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Some people say that people should spend more time on planning for the career. Others say that people should spend more time with their friends and family.

Discuss both views and then give your opinion. Use examples from your own life.
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These days, people’s lives have been immensely affected by the desire to have a modern lifestyle. This demands stiff competition in business and career ladder. While some people are of the view that we should give more time on our career, others think that friends and family should be top preference.

It is a true fact that nowadays people spend more time on planning their career. People use to get higher education for sake of reaching at top positions. For example, some people do certifications and professional courses for keeping their profile up-to-date. This makes them more marketable to potential future employer. These people consider that career should be top priority in life because a decent career enables them to achieve anything they want.

However, another group of people argue that life is short and we should enjoy it to full extent. They say that we might lose friends and family in pursuit of higher career objectives. Though they are not very much successful in financial aspects but their preference of relations gives them unique value in their social circles.

As far as I am concerned, I believe that we should maintain a balanced life. In this competitive world, we should not ignore that fact that career is crucial to have a successful life. One should not immerse in career to such degree that he skips enjoyable moments in life. He should manage his time effectively and need to give equal value to both career and relations.

There are few things that seemed off to me and I have highlighted these .

These days, people’s lives have been immensely affected by the desire to have (lead sounds more natural here) a modern lifestyle. This demands stiff competition in business and career ladder. While some people are of the view that we (they is fine here because you have used people as noun) should give more time on (developing) our (their)career, others think that friends and family should be top preference.

It is a true fact (fact is always true )that nowadays people spend more time on planning their career. People use to get higher education for (the) sake of reaching at top positions. For example, some people do(are doing / enrolling) certifications and professional courses for keeping their profile up-to-date. This (certifications and professional courses ; so it would be these ) makes them more marketable(remarkable) to (be) potential in future. These people consider that career should be (the)top priority in life because a decent career enables them to achieve anything they want.

However, another group of people argue that life is short and we should enjoy it to full extent(nice topic sentence of the paragraph). They say that we might lose friends and family in pursuit of higher career objectives. Though they are not very much successful in financial aspects but their preference of relations gives them unique value in their social circles. (you are supposed to conclude your paragraph )

As far as I am concerned, I believe that we should maintain a balanced life.(put this sentence in the end of concluding paragraph) In this competitive world, we should not ignore that fact that career is crucial to have a successful life. One should not immerse in career to such degree that he skips enjoyable moments in life. He should manage his time effectively and need to give equal value to both career and relations.

Apart from the mentioned things there are few suggestions bellow
1. Do not use too much pronoun (I, We, He)
2. Be careful when you are choosing words

Thanks a lot sopnopriyo, these corrections are very helpful. I have just started my preparation and I will try to avoid such mistakes in future.