Did I give this student the wrong advice?

[brisbanetutoring]

I'm a one-on-one IELTS teacher who had a really unexpected result with an advanced student's writing recently. The student came to me with a writing score of 7.5 (general) and needed an 8, but after changing her approach to the task 2 body on my advice she received a 7.

The writing she came to me with was clearly addressing all parts of the question and following essay conventions. Aside from grammar and vocab, the only way forward I could see, in terms of improvement, was for her to develop fewer points in her body and to develop these points in greater detail. When she came to me she was writing two body paragraphs that had 2-3 points and accompanying examples grouped under a meta topic sentence. It seemed to me that if she wrote just two points, with one point per paragraph, developed in detail, then she would be able to demonstrate greater sophistication in writing.

Here is a sample of a paragraph she wrote in the style I advised (it was a 'do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?' type question)

The main advantage of educating children at home instead of sending them to schools is that it allows children to learn the way most suitable for them. When a child is a visual learner, he or she needs more interesting learning materials to understand a subject effectively. Parents or teachers can then use computers or televisions with colourful graphics or videos to maximise the child’s concentration. However, in school’s, teachers do not have the time or resources to fully tailor their teaching methods to each and every student. Thus, parents should homeschool their children so that the teaching can [be] adapted to meet the child’s individual needs.

I don't have any samples of her former style but it was something akin to:

There are a number of advantages to homeschooling children. Firstly, it allows students to learn in the way most suitable for them. For instance, visual learners needs can be met more attentively. Secondly, homeschooled children can remain under the moral stewardship of their parents. Parents can teach their children not only the 'abc's but also right from wrong as well. Thirdly... (this is written by me so obviously the grammar and vocab are a bit better)

I didn't provide her with any advice on task 1 so I assume her score has not changed there. This student was also very diligent so I'm confident that she followed my advice in the way intended. Should I tell her to go back to her old style or to stick with the new way?

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

I'm a one-on-one IELTS teacher who had a really unexpected result with an advanced student's writing recently. The student came to me with a writing score of 7.5 (general) and needed an 8, but after changing her approach to the task 2 body on my advice she received a 7.

The writing she came to me with was clearly addressing all parts of the question and following essay conventions. Aside from grammar and vocab, the only way forward I could see, in terms of improvement, was for her to develop fewer points in her body and to develop these points in greater detail. When she came to me she was writing two body paragraphs that had 2-3 points and accompanying examples grouped under a meta topic sentence. It seemed to me that if she wrote just two points, with one point per paragraph, developed in detail, then she would be able to demonstrate greater sophistication in writing.

Here is a sample of a paragraph she wrote in the style I advised (it was a 'do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?' type question)

The main advantage of educating children at home instead of sending them to schools is that it allows children to learn the way most suitable for them. When a child is a visual learner, he or she needs more interesting learning materials to understand a subject effectively. Parents or teachers can then use computers or televisions with colourful graphics or videos to maximise the child’s concentration. However, in school’s, teachers do not have the time or resources to fully tailor their teaching methods to each and every student. Thus, parents should homeschool their children so that the teaching can [be] adapted to meet the child’s individual needs.

I don't have any samples of her former style but it was something akin to:

There are a number of advantages to homeschooling children. Firstly, it allows students to learn in the way most suitable for them. For instance, visual learners needs can be met more attentively. Secondly, homeschooled children can remain under the moral stewardship of their parents. Parents can teach their children not only the 'abc's but also right from wrong as well. Thirdly... (this is written by me so obviously the grammar and vocab are a bit better)

I didn't provide her with any advice on task 1 so I assume her score has not changed there. This student was also very diligent so I'm confident that she followed my advice in the way intended. Should I tell her to go back to her old style or to stick with the new way?

Structure etc. aside, is their handwriting clear? One of my students increased from band 6 to 8 after about 1 month for writing - perhaps a lot to do with their handwriting being improved.