[Please Evaluate] General Writing Task 2

[ozzybound]

Hello all,

Could you please evaluate my writing for the task specified below:

Task/Topic
Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Write at least 250 words.

My Essay:

Coeducation schools have become a norm in the modern society nowadays. Different individuals and cultures have always expressed different opinions on teaching boys and girls in separate or mixed schools. There are certainly pros and cons attached to both teaching styles. Where educating opposite sex in separate schools is supported by the fact that no distraction for the other sex is felt, the coeducation supporters feel that students from mixed schools are able to blend very well in the society.

It is believed that studying in a school along with people who belong to only your sex does not pose any fear of getting distracted from the studies towards the opposite sex. For instance, various cases of intimacy that are generally reported in co-education schools are not observed in separate schools. Due to the hormonal changes in the body during teenage, it is a tendency for any sex to get attracted towards opposite sex at the same time. Peer pressure to make as many as possible boyfriends or girlfriends also plays its vital role in losing focus from studies. Thus, students in the crucial stage of career making may get distracted from studies in mixed schools.

However, there is group of people who feel coeducation schools are far better than separate schools as the students can understand the needs of opposite sex in a better way and can empathize with their feelings. To illustrate this, most of the major colleges and international schools today are coeducation schools. These students are able to blend better in the society and become better citizens. These ideas support the fact that coeducation schools are better.

Thus, we may conclude that both types of schools have their own advantages. It is collectively thought that coeducation removes the fear and hesitation of opposite sex and eases the process of making friends and integrating in the society. Therefore it is highly recommended that boys and girls get educated together.

[ozzybound]

Guys,I need help. My exam is in next 20 days.Please review this and let me know where do I stand?

[Chi]

Hi Ozzybound, here're my few comments,

- Regarding your introduction:
+ I don't really agree with your first sentence: If coeducation is the norm in the society, it shouldn't raise a such controversial discussion.
+ You stated that there are pros and cons, but you are not discussing pros and cons. I think this question is more about how each group justifies their opinion, and you would stand by the group that poses stronger arguments.

- Your first paragraph starts with "It is believed" - this is not about general belief but the belief of a certain group of people. You can rewrite it as " People who believe in single sex education think that teaching boys and girls in separate schools help students avoid distraction from the opposite sex, hence higher performance", I believe that this view is apart from the religion reasons and some cultures men and women are simply treated differently. In these cultures, girls and boys are not allowed to associate with each other until they get married. Anyway, you have to use more relevant or stronger examples to back up this argument.

- Your second paragraph: I do not understand what you mean by "the students can understand the need of opposite sex"? - same as the above paragraph, I feel your argument is not complete. Furthermore, you share the same opinion with this group, but we do not see that their backups are so convincing.

- Conclusion: if you use such phrase as "we may conclude", it just means that you have not reached your conclusion yet.

I would recommend that you do a little research about the topic and have a strong understanding of the issue. This topic has a lot of debates revolving around it, and you could find some relevant arguments.

One final note, I find this kind of topic is difficult for me to discuss too, because they are none of my interest. That's why I think doing research could help us learn others' views and we can start from there.

Hope that helps. If you disagree with any of my comments, I am open for discussion.

Chi

[ozzybound]

Hi Chi,

Many thanks for spending some time on my writing.I really appreciate your valuable suggestions and agree with most of them.
I am not clear with this point :

Hi Ozzybound, here're my few comments,

+ You stated that there are pros and cons, but you are not discussing pros and cons. I think this question is more about how each group justifies their opinion, and you would stand by the group that poses stronger arguments.

Chi

Do you wish to say
- I am not discussing both pros and cons ( which I think I am actually discussed in 2nd and 3rd para !)
- OR you wish to say that proper arguments have not been given to support the pros and cons

Could you please clarify the point you are trying to make with this suggestion?
Many Thanks again.

[Chi]

Hi,

When you say there are pros and cons to each teaching style, you would be expected to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of EACH teaching style. I don't think your essay covers that.

Cheers,
Chi

[ozzybound]

Hmmmm....Makes sense.
I did not give proper arguments to support the point of views. Thanks for pointing out

[Chi]

You are welcome! When are you going to take your test? I booked it in for 15 Feb and getting a bit nervous