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Ielts Writing Task 2 Plz tell me which band is this essay

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 12:04 pm
by centigradz
Hello,

I going to take my IELTS test next week. I'm doing some practices on writing in these days. It would be really helpful for me to know at which band my current writing skills are so i can try to improve it. This is the essay i wrote, please anybody can tell me which band is this essay?

Thanks in advance,
Bilhan

Topic:
Some people feel that certain workers like nurses, doctors and teachers are undervalued and should be paid more, especially when other people like film actors or company bosses are paid huge sums of money that are out of proportion to the importance of the work that they do.

-How far do you agree?
-What criteria should be used to decide how much people are paid?


Essay:
Film actors and company bosses are paid more than what they should be paid for the jobs they do. Meanwhile, workers such as nurses, teachers and doctors are underpaid, even if their jobs are important to the society. In this essay, I will talk about the criteria that should be used to calculate the salary each of these figures should earn.

Nowadays, people consider film industry as an important aspect of our society. Therefore, actors are paid in million. Nevertheless, company bosses are earning ten times more than a simple worker. In my personal experience, I had been working for a company for quite some time. While I had been paid little more than nine hundred dollars, my boss would had earned much more than me. Even though, I was the person who had been doing all the work. So, this is the situation that most workers are facing everywhere in the world. Moreover, important workers like doctors and teachers have been undervalued.

On the other hand, the salaries of people working in the entertainment sector are increasing. The main reason is that with the introduction of new technologies and marketing strategies, the film industry has been given the possibility to reach a huge audience, increasing the sales, therefore, increasing their earnings. Because of this important factor, the gap between salaries has been widened. Moreover, this trend is increasing, so it is safe to say that in the future we are not going to see an improvement of the situation.

In my opinion, the salaries should be proportionate to the importance of jobs each worker does. Thus, the government should intervene and make the actors pay more taxes and with that money, increase the salaries of other workers.

Re: Ielts Writing Task 2 Plz tell me which band is this essa

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 12:39 pm
by Mr Azik
hi
I am not instructor but i can say
This essay is well orginized and developed, but overusing connectives make it unnatural, lack of coherence can easily be seen, especially first body.
And one last point is u didnt write thesis which is the most important part of an essay. U have only background inf and outline sentence. But vocab is used accurately.
To me this essay would get 6.