Academic Writing Task 1

[eusebe]

Hi everyone !

I am a new member in this forum and need help to correct my Task 1.
Can anybody give me an indication about which band is this essay (I need a 7 minimum, is it possible with that ?) It would be really helpful for me.
Thank you very much in advance

Subject : http://www.ielts-exam.net/academic_writ ... ask_1/837/
The chart below shows the number of travellers using three major airports in New York City between 1995 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My answer :

This dynamic bar chart is focusing on three major airports in New York between 1995 and 2000. The vertical axis shows the number of passengers in millions per year, whereas the horizontal axis represents the year.

From an overall perspective, we can see from the chart that the number of passengers fluctuates for the John F. Kennedy airport. Moreover, it is worth mentioning that the number of travelers roses slowly from 1995 to 2000. Another interesting point is that Newark airport news an upward trend, and the number of travelers soared dramatically in 2000.

We can see from the chart that LaGuardia and Newark saw both an upward trend. This fact is borne out by the figures from 1995 until 2000. In 1995, the number of passengers in LaGuardia started at 35 millions, and soared dramatically in 2000 with 69 millions people. The figures doubled within one year at LaGuarda !
In addition to that, the number of travelers in Newark began with 15 millions. The figures went up slowly from 15 millions to 40 millions within three years. From then until 2000, the latter leveled off.

In comparison to LaGuardia and Newark, it reaches the highest point of 47 millions in 1997 at John F. Kennedy airport. The former dropped to 31 millions in 1999. Finally, it increased to 41 millions one year later. That is why we can highlights the fact that the figures fluctuate here.

[eusebe]

Can someone help me please ? I really need an advice for my work

Thank you very much in advance !

[Johnson zhang]

not bad.

in your first para, your 2nd sentence should be highlighting the most significant finding. Yours did not.

[eusebe]

Thank you very much.
And do you think it is enough to have a 7.5 ?

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

About 237 words = too long - better about 175.

Try to start sentences with complex words: "http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/adv ... -sentences".

Possibly slightly a little under a grade 7, with some nice phrases.


This dynamic bar chart is focusing on three major airports in New York between 1995 and 2000. The vertical axis shows the number of passengers in millions per year, whereas the horizontal axis represents the year.

From an overall perspective, we can see from the chart that the number of passengers fluctuates for (no "the") the John F. Kennedy airport. Moreover, it is worth mentioning that the number of travelers ("rose") roses slowly from 1995 to 2000. Another interesting point is that Newark airport ("has an") news an upward trend, and the number of travelers soared dramatically in 2000.

We can see from the chart that LaGuardia and Newark ("both saw") saw both an upward trend. This fact is borne out by the figures from 1995 until 2000. In 1995, the number of passengers in LaGuardia started at 35 ("million") millions, and soared dramatically in 2000 with 69 ("million") millions people. The figures doubled within one year at LaGuarda !
In addition to that, the number of travelers in Newark began with ("million") 15 millions. The figures went up slowly from 15 ("million") millions to 40 ("million") millions within three years. From then until 2000, the latter leveled off.

In comparison to LaGuardia and Newark, it reaches the highest point of 47 ("million") millions in 1997 at John F. Kennedy airport. The former dropped to 31 ("million") millions in 1999. Finally, it increased to 41 ("million") millions one year later. That is why we can ("highlight") highlights the fact that the figures fluctuate here.