Can this essay score an 8?

[ielts_barry]

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?

Child obesity is one alarming issue that every country is facing these days. Clearly, this particular health problem has been long linked to more serious complications. To control such epidemic, people must be educated on ways it occurs and how to overcome it.

To begin, one reason why obesity is becoming more and more common in children is their unsupervised eating habits. Such instance can be observed at school cafeterias where a lot of junk foods are being sold. Children at schools, without their parents to guide them, might be tempted to eat these junk foods uncontrollably. Another cause of child obesity is the lack of knowledge on health and wellness. Some parents who cannot afford to send their children to schools, where health education is being taught, is one reason of such dilemma. Apparently, they have no one who can teach them how to lead a healthy lifestyle.

In order to prevent and overcome obesity in children, people must come up with vital solutions. Schools should reinforce the importance of good health by offering more nutritious food. If not possible to completely eliminate, junk foods should only be sold in controllable amounts. This way, children will be exposed to more healthful choices. Meanwhile, those less privileged children can still be educated about wellness. With the help of the government, there must be programs that focus on such issue. These health- related projects will encourage verbalization of concerns and questions to help them acquire more knowledge.

To conclude, obesity among children has become a worldwide phenomenon. Although it is becoming more and more prevalent due to a number of reasons, a joined effort of parents, schools, and the government can be done to make the world a healthier place to live in for children.



If you were the examiner, how high would you grade it? Thanks

[danyocean]

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?
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Child obesity is one alarming issue that every country is facing these days. Clearly, this particular health problem has been long linked to more serious complications. To control such epidemic, people must be educated on ways it occurs and how to overcome it
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Nowadays, children are at risk to be affected by a serious health problem, such as obesity, which is previously suffered mostly by adult people. The main causes of these issues is unhealthy lifestyle on daily basis amid children, and there are some solutions to overcome these problems.

(This may contain grammatical error, perhaps. Thank to anyone who notices any mistakes for me)

P.S (Post Scripts) :
In my opinion, you should directly answer the question asked, that's "what are its causes and what solutions can be offered" on your introduction paragraph. Thus, it will declare clearly the main topic since in the beginning of your essay. This means a lot of about 25% of task response scores. However, I just share my experience which is not 100% true. So, you may ask your tutor or other learners.

[ielts_barry]

Hi danyocean. I will look into that. Thanks.