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Please evaluate my introduction paragraph of Task 2 essay, I have used ( or rather tried to use) Ryan's strategy on Discussion Essay. Also help me improve on my grammar.

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t.

Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.


Undoubtedly, professional sports personal have a celebrity status in today's world. Furthermore, young people worship them beyond imagination. Arguably, some think that famous athletes can act as a role model for youngsters to make them work hard in their lives, while other believe that sports personal can have a negative effect on adolescents, therefore they should not be treated as gods but high achievers. Following, this essay will discuss both point of views and present author's opinion.

[Hey! I tried my best. Wait for other's review too. All the best

Undoubtedly, professional sports personal(what is personal ?) have a celebrity status in today's world. Furthermore, young people worship them beyond imagination. Arguably, some think that famous athletes can act as a(be) role model (s)for youngsters to make them work hard in their lives, while other(s) believe that sports personal???? can have a negative effect on adolescents, therefore they should not be treated as gods ( guess role models, I understood ur intention but irrelevant ) but( high )achievers. Following, this essay will discuss both point of views and present author's opinion.[/quote]

Please check more Ryan videos.His pattern is not followed exactly

1.try to make your introduction simpler and concise.
2. Apprently, linking words were overused.
3. According to public band descriptors, your opinion should be clear throughout the essay. Therefore, you must at least mention your stand.
4. Try to increase not only your general lexis but also your topic vocabulary. For example, the phrase worship like gods sounds inappropriate.

You could use an intro like this one that i just made.

People have different views about whether or not children should idolize sports celebrities. While some individuals argue that it is absurd for young people to follow in their idols' footsteps, I believe that these sports icons can be great inspirations.

Thank you sandeep2206 for corrections

Thank you ielts_barry for putting all the points, the "topic vocabulary" advice is just too good.