Writing - Task 2 (target band 6,5)

Post your Task 1 or 2 response and/or read the responses of other students and provide feedback.
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guilhermebianchi
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 1:42 am

Writing - Task 2 (target band 6,5)

Post by guilhermebianchi »

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Nowadays young people are often under pressure regarding their professional future. In some countries this means a significantly decrease of free time, as well as an increase of hours dedicated to their studies. In my opinion this is caused by a remarkable feature of modern capitalism: the necessity of economic growth and, consequently, the increase of competition in labor market. In this essay I will try to further develop this statement, and I will also try to think in solutions to improve the life experience of young people regarding work and leisure time.

In the last years, economic crisis affected several countries in our world. The reduction of profits meant the increase of prices and cost of life growth for the population of many countries. What we can observe in these countries is an increasing necessity for the young people to work harder (sometimes under the form of extra jobs) in order to help their family to pay bills and to keep a stable pattern of life.

For young people that situation means also a raise of competition in the work environment. Thus, there’s a clear rise of the need to use their time to focus in activities that can produce more chances in labor market, accordingly reducing the free time available for leisure time of young people. The raise of competitions as a result of global economic problems is the main cause of the situations that make young people have less leisure time and more work activities.

In conclusion, I believe that some measures can be taken in order to guarantee more leisure time to young people. Firstly, governments need to fortify political legislations that can ensure that young people are able to enjoy their leisure time without major financial concerns, providing free social activities to young people and students, like movie tickets, theater, sports etc. Secondly, countries have to raise awareness to parents and families regarding the vital need of leisure time of their own kids in order to a good and healthy growing.
sos1947
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2015 5:22 pm

Re: Writing - Task 2 (target band 6,5)

Post by sos1947 »

You may get 6.5 based on your content / topic vocabulary. I see some serious problem in the overall structure of this essay.

You need one or two ( prefer one) paragraph for first part of the question ie cause, You need one or two (prefer one) paragraph for the "solution" but what I see that your conclusion became the answer for the second part, if that is the case then where is your conclusion or you failed to answer second part of the question.

I cannot really say about the grammar, but one point is for grammar.
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