needs someone to evaluate my writing sample.
Posted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 12:03 pm
Hi! I'm going to take a second shot in IELTS. This is because in my previous take, my writing was 6.5 and what I needed is a band 7 in all skills. My instructor says I use many irrelevant sentences in most of my essays. Please help me clarify and give suggestions... 
The following essay was made 3 days ago.
Academic Ielts.
Task 2
People’s character is influenced by environment rather than genetics. Do you agree or disagree?
Answer:
If a person commits something extraordinarily good or bad, let’s say one person is extremely good in sports or business or a notorious crook in their hometown, we mostly hear people say, “Oh, he must have taken it from his parents.” Or “It runs in their blood.” How does a person’s character is formed? Is it genetics or the environment he grew up with?
A person reared in a loving and nurturing environment comes out ninety percent to be the same loving and kind hearted individual. When we say environment, what does this mean? It means, the parents themselves, their parenting style and their own display of character that the growing child can follow as an example. The economic status can also be a factor. A person brought up with a rich family will be more lax in terms of money and success compared to someone who was brought up in a poor family.
The society and culture in which we live also has a great impact on a person’s character. Let’s compare Asian and European countries as a whole. Asians are more conservative generally speaking compared to Europeans and this is reflected on their choices and attitudes towards style of clothes, number of bed partners, etc. The Japanese, as another example, believes that loyalty to the family name is the most important of all and ruining the family’s reputation is the most unforgivable thing they could ever make.
Still, a person has his or her own unique characteristics that are innate. That are neither taken nor passed down from the parents. Each of us has a different way of perceiving and understanding things around us that would allow us to choose whether to follow the crowd or stand for what we think is the right thing to be.
All in all, although the environment makes up the biggest factor in influencing a person’s character, however, we are given this gift of intelligence to analyze how we chose to become the type of person we are.
The following essay was made 3 days ago.
Academic Ielts.
Task 2
People’s character is influenced by environment rather than genetics. Do you agree or disagree?
Answer:
If a person commits something extraordinarily good or bad, let’s say one person is extremely good in sports or business or a notorious crook in their hometown, we mostly hear people say, “Oh, he must have taken it from his parents.” Or “It runs in their blood.” How does a person’s character is formed? Is it genetics or the environment he grew up with?
A person reared in a loving and nurturing environment comes out ninety percent to be the same loving and kind hearted individual. When we say environment, what does this mean? It means, the parents themselves, their parenting style and their own display of character that the growing child can follow as an example. The economic status can also be a factor. A person brought up with a rich family will be more lax in terms of money and success compared to someone who was brought up in a poor family.
The society and culture in which we live also has a great impact on a person’s character. Let’s compare Asian and European countries as a whole. Asians are more conservative generally speaking compared to Europeans and this is reflected on their choices and attitudes towards style of clothes, number of bed partners, etc. The Japanese, as another example, believes that loyalty to the family name is the most important of all and ruining the family’s reputation is the most unforgivable thing they could ever make.
Still, a person has his or her own unique characteristics that are innate. That are neither taken nor passed down from the parents. Each of us has a different way of perceiving and understanding things around us that would allow us to choose whether to follow the crowd or stand for what we think is the right thing to be.
All in all, although the environment makes up the biggest factor in influencing a person’s character, however, we are given this gift of intelligence to analyze how we chose to become the type of person we are.