Please evaluate my GT writing task 2 (pelase it's urgent)

[faruk079]

Question: It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience.

Answer:
Family plays an important role in our life. The affection among the people of a family has been dimming gradually in our modern life.
The lacking of intimacy among the family members is one of the results of our busy life. Now a days, people have become very much centered to their career that they have not enough time to interact with the other member effectively. In this life all are industrialized.
Over a decade ago we saw that people were used to live in a joint family while now people love to live alone. Now we communicate through mobile phone instead of visiting the places of our relatives. Parents have insufficient time to look after their children as a result of this industrialized society. Thus when the children grow up, they also do not look after their parents. At that time parents might find themselves in an old age home.
When I was a child, I saw that in my village everybody stayed with their parents, siblings or other relatives. Now in my village this scenario has been demolished because of becoming so called modern. Every people is separate with different home. As a result, the affinity among them has been decreased.
To overcome this situation the first step might be to brought up the family members under one roof. They should respect elder people. Also, parents should spend enough time with their children. elder people must not be sent to the old age home because they are the banyan tree of a family. Visiting each other must be the primary mode of communication rather than social networking websites or mobile phone.
To conclude I would like to say that to bring the families closer together, we should understand the meaning of modernization properly because, modernization does not tell us to live without families rather than it tells how to do the life easier.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Advanced Vocabulary For Starting IELTS Writing Sentences - http://www.onlineenglishteacher.org/stu ... -sentences.

Family plays an important role in our life. The affection among the people of a family has been dimming gradually in our modern life.
The ("lack") lacking of intimacy among the family members is one of the results of our busy ("lives") life. ("Nowadays,") Now a days, people have become very much centered to their career that they have not enough time to interact with the other ("members") member effectively. In this life all are industrialized.
Over a decade ago we saw that people (no "were") were used to live in a joint family while now people love to live alone. Now we communicate through mobile ("phones") phone instead of visiting the places of our relatives. Parents have insufficient time to look after their children as a result of this industrialized society. Thus when the children grow up, they also do not look after their parents. At that time parents might find themselves in an old age home.
When I was a child, I saw that in my village everybody stayed with their parents, siblings or other relatives. Now in my village this scenario has been demolished because of becoming ("so-called") so called modern. Every ("person") people is separate with ("a") different home. As a result, the affinity among them has been decreased.
To overcome this situation the first step might be to ("bring family") brought up the family members under one roof. They should respect elder people. Also, parents should spend enough time with their children. ("Elder") elder people must not be sent to ("an") the old age home because they are the banyan tree of a family. Visiting each other must be the primary mode of communication(",") rather than social networking websites or mobile ("phones") phone.
To conclude I would like to say that to bring the families closer together, we should understand the meaning of modernization properly because, modernization does not tell us to live without families(",") rather than it tells how to ("make life") do the life easier.

[faruk079]

Thank you for your valuable suggestion. Can you predict any band score?

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Perhaps 6-6.5 approximately.