Can this essay get a band 8?

[terry3218]

Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The role that university education plays in a person’s life and in society is often a debated topic. Some argue that the main purpose of university education is to enable graduates to land better jobs, while others contend university education has much wider array of benefits for both individuals and society. Both sides of this debate will be analyzed in this essay before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, some believe that tertiary education has paramount importance in helping graduates finding rewarding jobs. For example, to practice audit in the UK, a person has got to have a certification awarded by one of the recognized professional bodies such as the ACCA. Without a degree from such an institute, it would be impossible to be employed in the profession of audit. Thus, it is obvious why this point of view has garnered support.

On the other hand, many opine that university education has a much wider role to play in both the person’s life and in society. For instance, many British universities have included ethics as a compulsory subject in all of their courses. As a result, university graduates are likely to be savvy of their moral responsibilities and thus can discharge them in a better way. Hence, it is clear why many people support this stance.

Although both sides of this argument have indisputable virtues, however, it is felt that higher education plays a much more significant role than merely assisting the graduates in finding better employment. It is hoped that education will continue to refine the characters of both the individuals and the nations in coming decades.

271 words

[Dr.Matthew]

Well, congratulations....a really good piece of writing imo. Possibly, the best Task 2 I have seen on the Forum in the last 2-3 weeks!

I thought your sentence structures were mostly very sound and there is excellent variation in both the 'shapes' and the lengths. Also, very good fluency via a range of appropriate cohesion devices.

My only and somewhat muted critical comments are....

Perhaps more depth in terms of responding to the "moral" aspect of the topic...your example for the employment dimension was substantial, but the discussion of the idea of learning as having self-developmental/humanistic/moral potentials was a little wrapped up in generalities: " likely to be savvy of their moral responsibilities and thus can discharge them in a better way...".

There are several "glitches" in your expression also, but I would be very surprised if your effort wasn't rewarded with a Band 8 result

[Dr.Matthew]

well, I must be at a loose end...cos here's another 'bite at the cherry' One other 'issue' to keep in mind is just how many words have been spent on the signposting/discourse marking in the essay. According to me, in this case, it's 50/271:

Both sides of this debate will be analyzed in this essay before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.
some believe
Thus, it is obvious why this point of view has garnered support.
Hence, it is clear why many people support this stance.
Although both sides of this argument have indisputable virtues

And there are probably another 20 or so words used for transitional devices/boosters/attitude markers etc etc. Hmmmmnnn, I'd be just a little careful here in not OVERLOADING your essay with too many of these sorts of phrases (as basically they are stock/learned phrases as non-assessable/surplus?????)

Of course, if you have written 250+ excellent content words, then a little bit of the framing/signposting would only add to the overall quality. In this case, you may not have the balance exactly right. Again, very open to contrasting views from others?

[terry3218]

Dr. Mathew, I am utterly grateful to you for your detailed feedback. I believe even if I just incorporate your first suggestion, and include more detail in my example in 2nd paragraph, it will automatically resolve the issue that you discussed in your second comment i.e signposting. Because including more detail will not only add more content words but also will strike the right balance between content and signposts. Am I right?

Thanks a bazillion once again.

P.S. Even after your second critique, do you still think this is a band 8 essay?

[lg007]

Personally,I have found your work very remarkable. In my humble opinion, although you've placed synonyms, I have noticed that you have used the words "university education" several times,specially, in the intro, I am not expert at this but my suggestion would be, perhaps, to replace some of the said words with similar meanings like: it, third-level education, college or university studies, or post-secondary education. Since university education is the main subject mentioned in the question, it appears to me that it might somehow affect your work if not given consideration. I hope this helps.

[terry3218]

Personally,I have found your work very remarkable. In my humble opinion, although you've placed synonyms, I have noticed that you have used the words "university education" several times,specially, in the intro, I am not expert at this but my suggestion would be, perhaps, to replace some of the said words with similar meanings like: it, third-level education, college or university studies, or post-secondary education. Since university education is the main subject mentioned in the question, it appears to me that it might somehow affect your work if not given consideration. I hope this helps.

Thanks for the positivity and yes I'm aware of the fact that I overused the word university. But to be honest, I did that because I couldn't find many alternative words.

[Dr.Matthew]

Hello Terry, as suggested, I would view your essay in that 'hot zone': 7.5-8...as you would realize by now, IELTS examiners are NOT in a hurry to award higher level band results, partly because if an examiner is seen to consistently award highly they are called to account; their work is scrutinized!!! That's what I meant in another post that '8 is the new 9' lol...it's 'gotta' be almost NEAR perfect in spite of what the descriptors indicate.

To pick up on Ig007's point...tertiary studies/tertiary level studies/education might help as effective synonyms?

[terry3218]

Hello Terry, as suggested, I would view your essay in that 'hot zone': 7.5-8...as you would realize by now, IELTS examiners are NOT in a hurry to award higher level band results, partly because if an examiner is seen to consistently award highly they are called to account; their work is scrutinized!!! That's what I meant in another post that '8 is the new 9' lol...it's 'gotta' be almost NEAR perfect in spite of what the descriptors indicate.

To pick up on Ig007's point...tertiary studies/tertiary level studies/education might help as effective synonyms?

Thanks Dr. Matthwe. So i guess I'll have to go back to the drawing board to strengthen my grammar and the way in which I provide examples.