Please evaluate my first essay (Academic task 2)

[Matilda]

Creative artists should be given freedom to express their ideas through words, pictures, music or films. Some people nevertheless think that the government should restrict artists' freedom of expression. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Since couples of decades ago, the alarming debate of removing censorship on artists has been spreading out across the world. While some people strongly believe that it is necessary for the government to restrict artists’ works for the betterment of society, others believe that such kind of restrictions simply violate the basic human rights. However, I am in favor of the former argument because of the following reasons.

It is universally accepted principle that every human has the rights to express their opinions and ideas without any interference or threats by others. However, this doctrine should not put the society in danger. Take Charlie Hebdo (French magazine) as an example, religious hatred has been ignited just because of depiction of Islamic Prophet.

Furthermore, famous artists are one of the most powerful and influential figures of the general public. Being inspired by their artistic works, people look up to them and regard them as their role models. As a consequence, some children behave violently after imitating the brutal characters of their favorite movies or cartoons.

On the other hands, there is much space needed for the artists in order for them to depict their new creation and innovative ideas. In some countries ruled by military regime, an interesting piece of jokes has been censored based on political grounds. In worst case scenario, these comedians were even sent behind bars for their expressions against the government.

To sum up, unrestricted rights of the artists should not be granted for the above mentioned reasons. While the censorship of government should still exist, it should only be exercised wisely, not to moderate the hidden artistic values.
(Word Count : 272)

[lg007]

hello, Matilda,although i am no expert at this,but I will just provide some suggested corrections that might help:
a couple of decades ago
it would be much better if you place an end statement that will summarize your ideas in every body paragraph
in your conclusion, i think the idea of "not to moderate hidden artistic values" may be expressed in a better form

[Flick]

Creative artists should be given freedom to express their ideas through words, pictures, music or films. Some people nevertheless think that the government should restrict artists' freedom of expression. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

For several decades, the debate of removing censorship on artists has been spreading out across the world. While some people strongly believe that it is necessary for the government to restrict artists’ works for the betterment of society, others believe that such restrictions violate their basic human rights. However, I am in favor of the former argument for the following reasons.

It is a universally accepted principle that every human has the right to express their opinions and ideas without any interference or threats by others. However, this doctrine should not put the society in danger. Take Charlie Hebdo (French magazine) as an example. Religious hatred has been ignited just because of the depiction of the Islamic Prophet.

Furthermore, famous artists are some of the most powerful and influential figures of the general public. Being inspired by their artistic works, people look up to them and regard them as their role models. As a consequence, some children behave violently after imitating the brutal characters of their favorite movies or cartoons.

On the other hand, there is much space needed for the artists in order for them to depict their new creation and innovative ideas.(<--The meaning isn't clear. Do you mean artists need a lot of room to create? Or society needs artists?) In some countries ruled by military regime, an interesting and humorous work has been censored based on political grounds. In the worst case scenario, these comedians may be sent to jail for their expressions against the government.

To sum up, unrestricted rights of artists should not be granted for the above mentioned reasons. While the censorship of government should still exist, it should only be exercised wisely, not to moderate hidden artistic values.
(Word Count : 272)