Please critique two of my essays and advise estimated band score.

[Matilda]

Essay 1
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?


The obese population has been escalating in all four corners of the world. As a result, the overall health and fitness of the general public have been considerably deteriorating. There are several reasons which cause such an unhealthy society that put huge burden on related parties concerned such as government, overweight population itself and their families.

It is undeniable that the lifestyle of human beings has been changed noticeably with the emergence of advanced technology and fast food industries. Technology, on one hand, makes everyday lives easier but discourages active lifestyle. For instance, not much effort or energy is necessary to wash one’s clothes or dishes by using advanced electrical appliances – washing machines and dishwashers. Fast food outlets, on the other hand, serve unhealthy and oily junk foods. Take, French Fries at McDonald as an example. Consequently, by having laid back lifestyle and unhealthy choice of food intakes, today’s society encounters the problems of obesity and other related health detriments.

They are several plausible measures which can be taken to resolve the density of overweight population. Firstly, health awareness and educational programs should be included in the school curriculum so that younger generation can have better understanding of how to keep themselves fit and healthy. Secondly, government should encourage the start-up entrepreneurs who are interested in establishing fitness centres by ways of government subsidies or tax concession. By doing so, low income population would also be able to access gyms and other fitness facilities.

To sum up, the increasing trend of unhealthy way of living is unavoidable due to technology advancement and popularity of fast foods. However, as discussed above, effective measures can be taken to mitigate this problem by educating general public or undertaking government initiatives.
(Word Count : 287)

Essay 2

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?


Since the couple of decades ago, the use of motor vehicles has been escalating around the world, resulting in air pollution and traffic congestion. One school of thought subscribe to the view that raising the gasoline prices is the most effective measure to resolve this matter. In my opinion, it is disagreed as this measure cannot sustain in the long run. There are other feasible solutions to mitigate it, for example, improving infrastructure and upgrading public transportation system.

Some cities’ road infrastructure was not being upgraded in line with the population growth. As a result, the roads have been flooded with vehicles which emit carbon dioxide at a dangerous level. In order to reduce this impact, road structures should be reviewed to accommodate the increasing demands of road usage. For example, building tunnels or head-over bridges could help the easy flow of traffic, especially in the downtown area.

There is a mounting numbers of private car fleets in most nations. One of the reasons behind this is insufficient or ineffective numbers of public transportation modes. When public buses or trains are not operating punctually, people cannot rely on them and make more use of private transports which consequently leads to heavy traffic. So, enhancing the public transport system could reduce this issue to a large extent.

To conclude, traffic and pollution concerns are on-going problems which need continuous effort to deal with. All the above mentioned measures can be taken to foster a society and environment with less pollution and traffic jam. (Word Count : 252)

[Flick]

Essay 1
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?


The number of obese people around the world has been escalating in recent years. As a result, the overall health and fitness of the general public has considerably deteriorated. There are several reasons which cause such an unhealthy society that put a huge burden on related parties, such as the government, the overweight population itself and their families.

It is undeniable that the lifestyle of human beings has changed noticeably with the emergence of advanced technology and the fast food industry. Technology, on one hand, makes everyday life easier but discourages an active lifestyle. For instance, not much effort or energy is necessary to wash one’s clothes or dishes by using advanced electrical appliances – washing machines and dishwashers. In addition to this, fast food outlets serve unhealthy and oily junk foods. Take french fries at McDonalds as an example. Consequently, by having a laid back lifestyle and unhealthy choice of foods, today’s society encounters the problems of obesity and other related health issues.

They are several plausible measures which can be taken to resolve the obesity issue. Firstly, health awareness and educational programs should be included in the school curriculum so that younger generations can have better understanding of how to keep themselves fit and healthy. Secondly, the government should encourage start-up entrepreneurs who are interested in establishing fitness centres by ways of government subsidies or tax concessions. By doing so, the low income population would also be able to access gyms and other fitness facilities.

To sum up, the increasing trend of unhealthy living is unavoidable due to technological advancements and the popularity of fast foods. However, as discussed above, effective measures can be taken to mitigate this problem by educating the general public or undertaking government initiatives.

(Word Count : 287)

[Flick]

Essay 2

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?


Recently, the use of motor vehicles has been escalating around the world, resulting in air pollution and traffic congestion. One school of thought subscribes to the view that raising gasoline prices is the most effective measure to resolve this matter. In my opinion, this measure cannot be sustained in the long run. There are other feasible solutions to mitigate it; for example, improving infrastructure and upgrading public transportation systems.

Some cities’ road infrastructure is not being upgraded in line with population growth. As a result, the roads have become flooded with vehicles which emit carbon dioxide at a dangerous level. In order to reduce this impact, road structures should be reviewed to accommodate the increasing demands of road usage. For example, building tunnels or overhead bridges could help ease the flow of traffic, especially in downtown areas.

There is a mounting numbers of private cars in most nations. One of the reasons behind this is insufficient or ineffective methods of public transportation. When public buses or trains are not operating punctually, people cannot rely on them, so they make more use of private transport, which consequently leads to heavy traffic. So, enhancing the public transport system could reduce this issue to a large extent.

To conclude, traffic and pollution concerns are on-going problems which need continuous effort to deal with. All the above mentioned measures can be taken to foster a society and environment with less pollution and traffic congestion. (Word Count : 252)