Another letter band 8 assessment required

[faty]

you are part of a group of musicians who meet on Monday and Wednesday evenings to practise in the community hall. You have been told, however, that it is no longer possible for the group to use the hall.
Write a letter to manager,
Describe what the group does
Describe why the group is good for community
Suggest alternative days and times for practise.

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Dear sir,

My name is Faty and I am a member of music society at Mede hall. I practise piano twice a week here and my reason in writing this letter is to express my disappointment regarding the letter that we have received to discontinue our rehearsal classes.

I truly understand that the noise during rehearsal classes hinders the evening school recently established adjacent to the hall. But you are also well aware of the fact that we have been playing music solely for community. With the help of our shows, the management has received fame and business.

If it is at all possible, could you please swap our timings instead of cancelling our rehearsal classes. We can shift our practice hours to weekends from 1200 hours to 1400 hours. I hope this Substitute brings no trouble to both, school and hall management. Looking forward to continuing our esteemed relation.

Yours sincerely,
Faty

[faty]

I jus wana know if its better than previous writings plz .. i knw correcting it would be hectic

[Flick]

you are part of a group of musicians who meet on Monday and Wednesday evenings to practise in the community hall. You have been told, however, that it is no longer possible for the group to use the hall.
Write a letter to manager,
Describe what the group does
Describe why the group is good for community
Suggest alternative days and times for practise.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir,

My name is Faty and I am a member of the music society at Mede hall. I practise piano twice a week here and my reason for writing this letter is to express my disappointment regarding the letter that we have received informing us we are no longer able to use the hall.

I understand that the noise during our rehearsals hinders the evening school recently established adjacent to the hall. But you are also well aware of the fact that we have been playing music solely for the community. With the help of our shows, Mede hall has received popularity and business.

If it is at all possible, could you please swap our timings instead of cancelling our rehearsal classes. We can shift our practice hours to weekends from 12 to 2pm. This way, we can continue to promote Mede hall without disturbing the evening school. Looking forward to continuing our esteemed relationship.

Yours sincerely,
Faty

[faty]

Thank you so much. I understand that its the grammar and choice of words mostly. Thanks a lot