Writing task 2. Please evaluate my essay!

[tuananhchau]

There is a general consensus nowadays that the increasing in average weight of people is in reverse ratio with the levels of health and fitness. This essay shall look into some possible causes and give appropriate solutions to address this phenomenon.

Gaining weight in people can be sparked for many reasons. First and foremost, the excessive consumption of calories is the principle factor that should be considered. Specifically, due to restricted routines and limited fitness facilities, people are leading a sedentary lifestyle with only work and relaxation; as a result, the calories obtained in diets can hardly be digested leading to the agglomeration of abundant nutrients within their bodies which causes obesity. Furthermore, as the fast food has been widening sphere of influences, most people are greatly attracted by its convenience and affordable expenses. Secondly, the technical advancement can act as a catastrophe sweeping individuals’ requirements of doing exercise due to their reliance on technology’s advantages.

Nevertheless, there are possible solutions so as to tackle the arising problem. Firstly, the government should impose higher taxes on fast food companies to reduce the rate of consuming as economic benefits, obviously, are top priorities for most people. Next, the authorities should also provide free-accessing fitness facilities such as sidewalks and wide-ranging healthcare systems in order to maintain healthy lifestyles instead of funding many unessential shopping infrastructures. In addition, children have to be well-informed as well as well-educated about positive eating and living habits at both home and school to scale back their over dependence on automated gaming programs and those creamy sodas.

In brief, overweight in people together with decline in physical efforts has been global issues bringing impacts on people’s heath. Thus, proper measures must be taken.

[Jackdorsey]

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[tuananhchau]

thank you for your reply but your comment are quite unconnected to the the general content of my essay

[jesus]

Don't use too much linkers. It is sounding robotic.

[tuananhchau]

thank you for your suggestion, I'll be sure to be less robotic