Feedback on my essay

[saqibali]

Dear Friends,
Your feedback is requested on my essay below.
1.My errors
2.Where essay could have improvement to make it like band 9 essay
3.Tips to work on improvement.
For your convenience, I have pasted very high resulution image.
Thanks in advance.Click on below.
http://postimg.org/image/agutsklyx/
http://postimg.org/image/ixuc3hqnt/

[saqibali]

Any one to comment please?

[inaveed]

Can you write the essay question here again?

[saqibali]

I have typed my essay below.
Feedback requested.

Subject:
Should politicians be more stupid as part of their professional tactics. Discuss the topic and give your opinion.

My Essay:
The growing passion to rule a country is putting politicians under stress. Politicians are adopting both positive and negative tactics to win political games. Both sides of this picture are being analyzed below before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.


To positive camp, a critique environment makes politicians more competitive in their work and as a result they are less likely to commit mistakes. A report named “tradition” published by “newyork times” shows statistical evidence proving the countries with will better criticization environment have best performing politicians, despite their other lacking factors. Logically, a politician who knows his reputation could be at stake for small mistakes is less likely to make mistakes and he would be more attentive and cautious in his work. Hence a positive criticism helps politicians achieve higher.


To the sceptics, criticism for criticism sway politicians from their main objective; serve their country. As a repercussion, a politician is more likely to focus on water fight, upcoming possible attacks and he is more likely to focus his mind to achieve similar back fires. A report by Mickensey in 1999 demonstrated that countries with a strong moral checks on their political system have more stable and well running political system and hence its outcomes help a country better. Logically, if criticism is limited to only objectionable activities, it would help but if the positive and sincere actions are also criticized no politician would care to repeat their positive deeds again. Hence, to a positive limit, criticism help.


After analyzing both sides of the camp, it is concluded that a positive criticism with an appropriate check and limited to negative deeds should be encouraged only as it helps improve political system of a country.

[Chi]

Hi Saqibali,

Could I please ask you to put some space between paragraphs? It's quite hard to read when the text is so dense.

[saqibali]

Dear Chi,
I have spaced paragraphs.Thanks for your comment.Please check now.
Again, thanks

[Chi]

Hi Saqibali,

Thanks for separating the paragraphs. It is much easier to read now.

As far as task achievement is concerned, in my opinion, there's not much link between the question and your answer. The question is whether politicians should use the tactic "playing dumb" but your answer seems to be about the importance of criticism and how it influences politicians' conducts.

Would you consider to make your answer clearer and more direct?

Cheers,
Chi

[saqibali]

Thanks.
Now kindly give feedback on other points.Lets suppsoe it was about importance of tactics?I wants to know other weak areas to improve.I have my test on 15th MArch