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Hi Brandy, How are you doing? Am really grateful for you to have agreed to come and stay in my house and I know Willie (parrot) will appreciate it too since he knows you. Am on leave and need to use this opportunity to relax away from home. My leave is three weeks,but I will be gone for fourteen days. It is your home and I believe you will be able to find your way around the house,Willies food is in the upper locker in the kitchen on the right hand side. He takes his breakfast as early as 6: 50a.m with milk,I already labelled it as breakfast, lunch and dinner with time to be taken. In the pantry you can find whatever you will be needing for your own use,please there is away I lite the gas cooker you take off the head of the cylinder and switch it on from the wall socket and fix the cylinder head back before lighting it. Anytime there is power outtage, please the freezer and the fridge should be put off before putting on the generator. My dear friend am once again thanking you,and if should in case you need any information on anything you can ping me on my blackberry messenger or beep my phone. Thanks a lot for your immeasurable help, and I hope to call you as soon as I get there. With love, Lateef Boluwatife

Hi Lateef, thanks for posting. I have read through your letter, and I have a few tips for you.

Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.

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Hi Brandy,

How are you doing?

I am really grateful that you have agreed to come and stay at my house while I am away (<-- It’s very important to clarify that you will not be there when Brandy arrives.) – and I know Willie (my parrot) will appreciate it too, since he knows you. I am on leave from work, (<-- Adding ‘from work’ makes it easier to understand.) and I would like (<-- Writing ‘I need’ sounds a little desperate.) to use this opportunity to relax away from home. My leave is three weeks, but I will only be gone for fourteen days.

Because you have visited before, (<-- This is not Brandy’s house. It’s your house! Brandy is just a visitor.) I believe you will easily be able to find your way around the house. (<-- This is a good place to end the sentence.) Willie’s food is in the upper locker in the kitchen, on the right hand side. He takes his breakfast as early as 6:50 a.m., with milk. (<-- It’s important to keep sentences concise in an informal letter.) I have already labelled his food (<-- You need to explain what you have labelled.) as breakfast, lunch and dinner, along with the time Willie should eat. (<-- You ‘eat’ food – you don’t ‘take’ it.) In the pantry, you can find whatever you need (<-- It’s important to be concise.) for your own use. (<-- Sentences mustn’t run on too long.) There is a special way to light the gas cooker; you must take the head off the cylinder, switch it on from the wall socket, and then replace the cylinder head before lighting it. (<-- This sentence didn’t make any sense. I have reworded it for you.) If there is a power outage, please turn off the freezer and the fridge before switching the generator on. (<-- The order of your sentence didn’t make sense. I have reorganised it.)

(<-- You have said ‘thank you’ in the next sentence, so you don’t need to say it here.) In case (<-- No need for ‘if should’.) you need any more information, you can ping me on my BlackBerry Messenger (<-- It’s important to capitalise the names of companies and products.) or call my phone. Thanks a lot for your help, (<-- ‘immeasurable’ is too formal for this informal letter.) and I will call you as soon as I get to my hotel. (<-- You didn’t say where you were going.)

With love, Lateef (<-- This is an informal letter, so you don’t need to write your surname.)

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You forgot to use ‘I’ several times in this letter. Sentences never start with ‘Am…’ – it must always be ‘I am…’.

Paragraphs are very important. They help break up your writing, which makes it easier to read. It’s also important to split your sentences up, especially in an informal letter. Long sentences can be difficult to understand.

Finally, remember to make your letter clear. You didn’t mention several important facts. In the first sentence, for example, you forgot to tell Brandy that you wouldn’t be there when she arrived. You also didn’t say where you were going.

Keep practising!

SyntaxFox

SyntaxFox
hey i read your whole feedback i must say its really helpful. thanks for such a details feedback ...keep up the good work . Thanks a lot .