Please benchmark my letter with band 9

[saqibali]

What are weak areas if we benchmark my essay with band 9 and tips to improve
Thanks in advance

Write a letter to your friend for
1. Why you could not attend his marriage

2. What was the reason?

3. How would you compensate?

Dear Friend,
I am writing this letter to apologize for not being able to attend your marriage ceremony. Please allow me to furnish reasons.
Unfortunately, the same day, I have had to submit my official proposal. The task was delegated to me a month earlier. Clearly, the proposal had much more importance to strategic goals of the company. In addition, I had given my consent to take over this proposal a week earlier than I received your marriage invitation. Although planned strictly and tightly, the work could not be finished even a day earlier than planned day.You marriage ceremony was a great tool to get-together with your family as well as my batch mates, I share with you. But unfortunately, due to aforementioned reasons, I was unable to attend your marriage ceremony.
Although there can be no substitute for such a awesome gathering but I along with my wife would like to invite you for a dinner, five days from now in town hall near your house. This will give a chance to get introduced with your wife. Please accept my invitation.
Waiting your reply,
Saqib.

[Ryan]

Hi Saqib,

Here are a couple thoughts:

What are weak areas if we benchmark my essay with band 9 and tips to improve
Thanks in advance

Write a letter to your friend for
1. Why you could not attend his marriage

2. What was the reason?

3. How would you compensate?

Dear friend,

I am writing this letter to apologize for not being able to attend your marriage ceremony. Please allow me to furnish reasons. (<--"Furnish" is not colloquially used in this way. Also, the overly formal tone of this sentence isn't in keeping with the task, which is to write a letter to a friend. Change this sentence to: "Allow me to explain what happened.")

Unfortunately, the same day, I have had to submit my official proposal. (<--Watch your tenses. Why are you using the present perfect here?) The task was delegated to me a month earlier. (<--Try to make your story as believable as possible. Stating that you had a month to work on a proposal and yet still missing your friend's wedding seems like a poor excuse.) Clearly, the proposal had much more (<--Why are you using comparative language here? What are you comparing the importance of the proposal to? Hopefully not the importance of the marriage.) importance to strategic goals of the company. In addition, I had given my consent to take over this proposal a week earlier than I received your marriage invitation. Although planned strictly and tightly, (<--"Strictly and tightly" is not a colloquial phrase. Try: "Although time constraints were managed as effectively as possible, ...".) the sizable amount of work proved to be too much. You marriage ceremony was a great tool to get-together with your family as well as my batch mates, I share with you. (<--A tool? I do not think this man will be your friend after reading your letter.) But unfortunately, due to aforementioned reasons, I was unable to attend your marriage ceremony. (<--Sentences like this are awkward. The reader is already very clear that you did not attend. Restating something so obvious like this disrupts the fluency of your writing.)

I'm going to rewrite the above paragraph to something more in keeping with a letter written to a friend. Please notice how I frame the unexpected and dire nature of the project:

As you know, I would not have missed the union between you and Kathy for anything. The unfortunate truth is that I was put into a situation that could have ruined my career were it not dealt with carefully. You see, two days before your wedding, a system-wide error cancelled February salary payments to all employees where I work. To make matters worse, the file and backup file detailing the hours clocked by each employee was corrupted. This information could only be retrieved by carefully digging through company databases, a job that is painstakingly slow. As assistant CFO, the monumental task of cleaning up this issue fell on me. Thus, it was simply impossible for me to attend your ceremony.



Although there can be no substitute for such an awesome gathering but (<--You have used "although" already. Remove "but". Insert a comma after "gathering".) I along with my wife would like to invite you for a (<--Remove "a".) dinner, (<--Why is there a comma here?) five days from now in town hall (<--There is a restaurant at the town hall?) near your house. This will give us a chance to get introduced to your wife. Please accept my invitation.
Waiting for your reply,
Saqib.

I think you need to work on several areas. For one, the tone of this letter is mistaken. You should be expressing the severity of the workplace problem while also preserving the delicate language required to express both regret and an apology to a friend.

Grammar is also an obvious issue. Please refer to my in-text comments.

There appears to be cohesion in this piece; however, you tend to rely on repetition to exhibit links in your writing. Make efforts to increase the accuracy of your cohesive devices.

The above couple of issues would greatly impact your mark for task achievement.

I'd guess this writing would receive band 5.5 on the exam.

Good luck,
Ryan

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Hi Saqib,

Here are a couple thoughts:

What are weak areas if we benchmark my essay with band 9 and tips to improve
Thanks in advance

Write a letter to your friend for
1. Why you could not attend his marriage

2. What was the reason?

3. How would you compensate?

Dear friend,

I am writing this letter to apologize for not being able to attend your marriage ceremony. Please allow me to furnish reasons. (<--"Furnish" is not colloquially used in this way. Also, the overly formal tone of this sentence isn't in keeping with the task, which is to write a letter to a friend. Change this sentence to: "Allow me to explain what happened.")

Unfortunately, the same day, I have had to submit my official proposal. (<--Watch your tenses. Why are you using the present perfect here?) The task was delegated to me a month earlier. (<--Try to make your story as believable as possible. Stating that you had a month to work on a proposal and yet still missing your friend's wedding seems like a poor excuse.) Clearly, the proposal had much more (<--Why are you using comparative language here? What are you comparing the importance of the proposal to? Hopefully not the importance of the marriage.) importance to strategic goals of the company. In addition, I had given my consent to take over this proposal a week earlier than I received your marriage invitation. Although planned strictly and tightly, (<--"Strictly and tightly" is not a colloquial phrase. Try: Although time constraints were managed as effectively as possible, ...".) the sizable amount of work proved to be too much. You marriage ceremony was a great tool to get-together with your family as well as my batch mates, I share with you. (<--A tool? I do not think this man will be your friend after reading your letter.) But unfortunately, due to aforementioned reasons, I was unable to attend your marriage ceremony. (<--Sentences like this are awkward. The reader is already very clear that you did not attend. Restating something so obvious like this disrupts the fluency of your writing.)

I'm going to rewrite the above paragraph to something more in keeping with a letter written to a friend. Please notice how I frame the unexpected and dire nature of the project:

As you know, I would not have missed the union between you and Kathy for anything. The unfortunate truth is that I was put into a situation that could have ruined my career were it not dealt with carefully. You see, two days before your wedding, a system-wide error cancelled February salary payments to all employees where I work. To make matters worse, the file and backup file detailing the hours clocked by each employee was corrupted. This information could only be retrieved by carefully digging through company databases, a job that is painstakingly slow. As assistant CFO, the monumental task of cleaning up this issue fell on me. Thus, it was simply impossible for me to attend your ceremony.



Although there can be no substitute for such an awesome gathering but (<--You have used "although" already. Remove "but". Insert a comma after "gathering".) I along with my wife would like to invite you for a (<--Remove "a".) dinner, (<--Why is there a comma here?) five days from now in town hall (<--There is a restaurant at the town hall?) near your house. This will give us a chance to get introduced to your wife. Please accept my invitation.
Waiting for your reply,
Saqib.

I think you need to work on several areas. For one, the tone of this letter is mistaken. You should be expressing the severity of the workplace problem while also preserving the delicate language required to express both regret and an apology to a friend.

Grammar is also an obvious issue. Please refer to my in-text comments.

There appears to be cohesion in this piece; however, you tend to rely on repetition to exhibit links in your writing. Make efforts to increase the accuracy of your cohesive devices.

The above couple of issues would greatly impact your mark for task achievement.

I'd guess this writing to receive band 5.5 on the exam.

Good luck,
Ryan

Great advice from Ryan .

[saqibali]

Thanks a lot.

[saqibali]

I have rewritten this letter.Please comment.

Dear friend,

I hope you are doing well and you are enjoying your new married life.You shall never imagine what happened to me a day before your marriage.I come across a fatal accident and as a result, I spent two weeks on bed.I am writing to see if you can kindly spare some time for a small union between your family and my family.


Unfortunately, the same day, I had my proposal submission deadline, a task I was delegated a week earlier, with strict instructions for on time completion from my senior management. As a consequence, I spent full week on preparation and compilation of this proposal, an assignment that no one else was confident to complete. I should have informed you earlier about my engagement in this tough task but I could not spare time for this due to my tough meetings schedule. I hope you understand my situation now.
I really miss the opportunity of having a union with your family, particularly your groom, a new addition to our pleasant company. As a friendly gesture, I would like to invite you and your family for a party at my residence on any date of your convenience hope, you will honor me with your presence.

Waiting for your kind affirmative reply,
Saqib.

[durai]

Dear friend,

How are you? Hope you are enjoying your marriage life..You shall never imagine what happened to me on the day before your marriage.I had met an (avoid fatal, unless something happened seriously) accident, and as a result, I was hospitalized for two weeks due to minor fracture not a right tone; I am writing to see if you can kindly spare some time for a small union between your family and my family. try rewording last sentence,


Unfortunately, the same day, I had my proposal submission deadline, how can you do office work when you had an accident, completely irrelevant a task I was delegated loks overly formal a week earlier, with strict instructions for on time completion from my senior management. I find difficult to understand what you trying to say As a consequence, I spent full week on preparation and compilation of this proposal, an assignment that no one else was confident to complete. I should have informed you earlier about my engagement in this tough task but I could not spare time for this due to my tough meetings schedule. I hope you understand my situation now. to be honest, I didn't understand your situation) you gave too much explanation for the task ( work)

I really miss the opportunity of having a union union?, don't you get any other word.( catch up- gather at- meet one another)with your family, particularly your groom, a new addition to our pleasant company. not a good sentence , rewrite As a friendly gesture, I would like to invite you and your family for a party at my residence on any date of your convenience why you don't have a full stop here, hope, you will honor me with your presence.

Waiting for your kind affirmative reply, inappropriate closure in a letter to a friend

Best regards
Saqib.


You have attempted to answer the question, but because of your sentence structure and meaning, the idea is not clear.

poor word choice and grammar errors sustain throughout the letter

Looks band 5.5 ( I am not an assessor)

Good luck

[durai]

Dear Karthi,

How are you? Hope you doing well.

I am writing to let you know that I am unable to attend your wedding ceremony on 22nd August because of work reasons. Let me explain in detail.

As you know, my work life is always hectic. Last Friday, my manager told me to attend a business seminar which will be conducted at London on 21st August. He added that this is an important meeting, and, as a result, our company would get a project for next 10 years. So, unfortunately, I am not able to attend your marriage function.

I will be back on 25th of the same month, and I would like to invite your family for a feast at my home on 26th. I would be very interested to meet you and your wife because I never assumed you as a married man.

Let me know your plan, and best wishes for your marriage life.

Best regards,

Durai Sam