Task 2 Please correct my essay.

[Imran ali shah]

The first car appeared on British roads in 1888.By the year 2000 there may be as many as 29 million vehicles on British roads.

Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged and International laws introduced to control car ownership and use.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Historically different kinds of transport are evolving year by year accompanied with different traffic rules.Nowadays there are different kinds of transport on British roads,following different international laws for driving a car.I believed that alternative forms of transport and international laws should be introduce for cars.Following looking at how alternative form of transport can help in reducing the congestion on transport system and how the new transport and international laws for cars would change the environment of the roads.


Firstly, changing transport can reduce the burden on the city's roads.For example,underground metro train system could be the alternative form of transport as it can better over come the rush hours in Britain.From this example it is clear that new form of vehicles can be the best option.Thus it is proved that alternative forms of transport and international laws should be bestowed.


Secondly the introduction of international laws for cars usage and ownership would enhance roads safety.For instance, penalties on avoiding traffic rules would minimum the probability of car accidents on roads.Moreover, car owners would be more responsible in ownership and usage of cars.This example clarify that laws on traffic could minimize the accidents on roads and thats why road rules should be accord to the masses.


So keeping in view the above facts it is summarized that different forms of transport would be beneficial to reduce congestion, however for new cars different traffic rules are must.As the above discussion shows that countries are most benefited when new communication means are introduced with perfect traffic laws . It is assumed that some advancement will be seen in foreseeable future.

Thanks Imran Ali Shah

[njty32]

Hi,
This essay is following Ryan's suggestion and it looks good.
My only suggestion is that you can use live and specific example in your third paragraph, just like what you did in 2nd paragraph.

May I ask you did you attempt exam before? What's the score in writing part?

Thanks

[Imran ali shah]

Hello,
Thanks for your kind suggestion.I agreed with you about my essay pattern, learnt from great teacher Rayan.Previously I scored 6.5 in writing.

[OnlineEnglishTeacher]

Hello,
Thanks for your kind suggestion.I agreed with you about my essay pattern, learnt from great teacher Rayan.Previously I scored 6.5 in writing.

I like this tool a lot: "http://www.textfixer.com/tools/online-w ... p#newText2" and noticed that you used the word "transport" 10x and it is in the essay question - I normally recommend my students to avoid using the essay question vocabulary as much as possible and for the primary words to use them 1-2 times maximum and common words 10x maximum each.