Please check and grade my essay. need band 7!

[mari]

Hi Ryan,
Hope you are fine.

Kindly check my writing below for the task 2 under general examination.

Please point out the mistakes and give me BAND SCORE also.

“Some people believe that we should control the freedom of the children, while some people believe otherwise. Discuss both sides. Give your Opinion"


Some people emphasize on the freedom of the children and consider liberation the absolute right of anyone even at early childhood. Whereas certain masses defies the concept of freedom to children and recommend strictness to it. People having these two differences of opinion state their own favorable logics to support.
An idea of doing things at your own exhibits not only a sense of confidence but also privileges youth to understand environment closely with personal wisdom and encounter. For example, in western countries like America children are given liberty to go out often as they wish and are provided separate rooms for their privacy. It builds conviction in child to familiarize things independently. These practices encourage kids to judge various aspects of life through personal acquaintances. Thus, endeavors openness to society, practical exposure, boldness and self assurance.
However, too much exposure to the world at initial stages of life may lead to hazardous circumstances. Children should be monitored closely so that they may not indulge themselves conveniently available inadequate activities. For instance, world wide web has made all sorts of sources (good & bad) are accessible easily and youth can access substandard site leisurely. Therefore, constant supervision should be adopted for children safety, health and betterment.
In my opinion, freedom and strictness should go side by side. Neither children be kept so obstructed that could offend them nor should they be liberalize to do whatever they want. Well –advised limited freedom is an intelligent gesture to be accustomed for balanced brought-up of children.

[saqibali]

IS it requested to ryan only?

[mari]

Hi dear saqib,


no dear u can also chk& correct my essay. Plus grade also

I was waiting axiously for ryan feedback on it.,.,,he never chked it...
I hav posted this essay twice for his consideration.

So saqib r u from pakistan?

[Ryan]

Hi Ryan,
Hope you are fine.

Kindly check my writing below for the task 2 under general examination.

Please point out the mistakes and give me BAND SCORE also.

“Some people believe that we should control the freedom of the children, while some people believe otherwise. Discuss both sides. Give your Opinion"


Some people emphasize on (<--Do not couple "emphasize" with "on".) the freedom of the (<--Remove "the".) children and consider liberation the absolute right of anyone even at early childhood. (<--Consider starting the essay with a background sentence to warm your reader up. Reword this area to: "Opinions regarding child rearing practices vary widely and are often influenced greatly by socioeconomic factors and culture. On the one hand, many emphasize the importance of providing children unlimited levels of freedom as part of an effort to develop a child's independence and sense of responsibility. On the other hand, ...") Whereas certain masses defies the concept of freedom to children and recommend strictness to it. (<--Very awkward. Reword to: "On the other hand, many are of the opinion that freedom distorts the development of traits like discipline, and thus feel freedom should be given to children in measured amounts.") People having these two differences of opinion state their own favorable logics to support. (<--They will state their own logic? But aren't you the writer of this essay? A simple "Both positions will be looked at in this essay." would suffice here.)

An idea of doing things at your own exhibits (<--What does this mean?) not only a sense of confidence but also privileges youth to understand environment closely with personal wisdom and encounter. (<--I sense you are being a bit over ambitious with your sentence structure and use of vocabulary. Don't write in a manner that you cannot control. The meaning here is almost incoherent simply because you have chosen to write using grammatical structures and words you do not fully understand. Incoherence in your writing is a major issue and will directly impact your examiner's opinion of whether you have achieved the task or not. Reword this sentence to: "Many feel that children given the freedom to do what they want develop confidence and a more intimate understanding of the world around them." For example, in western countries like America, children are often given the liberty to go out often as they wish and are provided separate bedrooms for their privacy. Such an arrangement builds conviction in a child that privacy and independence are values worth protecting. These practices encourage kids to judge various aspects of life through personal acquaintances. (<--I'm not entirely sure what this sentence is supposed to mean. Are you trying to say that such an upbringing can develop a fair and virtuous mind?) Thus, endeavors openness to society, practical exposure, boldness and self assurance. (<--This is not a complete sentence. The final sentence of your discussion essay should show some link to the central theme of the piece: "Thus, the merits behind providing children with large amounts of freedom in childhood can be seen.")

However, too much exposure to the world during the initial stages of life may lead to hazardous circumstances. Children should be monitored closely so that they are not indulging themselves or engaging in dangerous activities. For instance, the World Wide Web has made all sorts of sources (good & (<--"Pretzel essays" can make you look like a lazy writer. Avoid using ampersands.) bad) are (<--Remove "are".) easily accessible and youth can access substandard site (<--What do you mean? Poor quality websites? Or websites with questionable content that may be damaging to a child's character growth?) leisurely. Therefore, the benefits and increased safety that derive from the constant supervision of children is clear.

In my opinion, freedom and strictness should go side by side. <--Change "should go side by side" to something like "should be exercised in controlled amounts to ensure the fullest development of a child as a human being".) Neither children be kept so obstructed that could offend them nor should they be liberalize to do whatever they want. (<--This sentence is incoherent.) Well –advised limited freedom is an intelligent gesture (<--Gesture?) to be accustomed (<--Accustomed?) for balanced brought-up of children.

Hi Mari,

I think you make a few good points in support of both positions here. The examples are pretty good.

However, I feel many parts of this piece are incoherent due to weak grammar and inaccurate lexical resource use. You tend to over complicate what should be very simple ideas. As I mention in-text, I think you tend to be a bit too ambitious with your writing, and this causes you to use structures you are incapable of controlling.

I do not want to discourage you, but I feel you will have difficulties scoring band 7 on this upcoming exam. I would guess the above essay to place at about a band 5.

For your upcoming exam, your best bet is to keep your sentences short. The absolute worst thing that can happen is the failure of your writing to transfer a message. I think you'll agree that if the examiner cannot understand what you are writing, it is pretty difficult for them to give you a mark.

Good luck,
Ryan

[mari]

Thank you so much Ryan, i wil work on my mistakes.
I am tense as i got your reply a bit late, its just 3 days left for my exam and i dont have enough time to practice due my children and household work load.
Still thankyou again for your consideration. Pray for me.
Take care
Mari

[Ryan]

I will be sending you positive thoughts, Mari.

Good luck