Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
It is very important to train children to be hard-working and motivated from a very early age. Whether it is in academic learning or sports, children should be encouraged to be enthusiastic. Some people believe that this can be achieved by training them to be competitive. Whilst, others believe that children should be taught to be co-operative to each other. Both notions have upsides and downsides as explained below.
Competition works on the principle “the survival of the fittest”. This means that the most competitive person will reap the best reward. Encouraging competition is good as it makes individuals work seriously and effectively. This surely makes them achieve their goals in life. However, they end up becoming very proud. They look down upon others who are not up to their status and don’t co-operate with weak individuals who need help. They even go the extra mile to hamper others from doing well, just to stay on top. For example a competitive student may not share good learning materials to other students as it might make them do well too. Thus, it can be seen that competition leads to lack of compassion.
Co-operation works on a totally different principle. It encourages students to share and care. It promulgates the concept of group learning. Group learning is very beneficial. For example, students can share study materials, learning methodologies. They can help each other in weak areas, have discussions about a subject. The only drawback I can think of in group work is that it makes some individuals weak and dependent on others.
To sum up, in as much as competition promotes hard work stringently, it can make an individual less social. Co-operation on the other hand certainly makes people sympathetic to each other. Hence, I support the motion that children should learn co-operation rather than competition as this will inhabit a brilliant personality in them and make them an asset for the society.
Please mark my essay.
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SyntaxFox
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Re: Please mark my essay.
Hi inaveed, thanks for posting. I’ve read your work, and I have a few tips for you.
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
In my opinion, it (<-- There is no proof for this, and it’s not a universally-held view – so you need to make it clear that it’s just your opinion.) is very important to train children to be hard-working and motivated from a very early age. Whether it is in academic learning or sports, I feel that children should be encouraged to be enthusiastic. Some people believe that this can be achieved by training them to be competitive, whilst (<-- You can’t start this sentence with whilst, because it’s the ‘joining word’ between two points of view. I turned it into two sentences instead.) others believe that children should be taught to be co-operative with each other. Both notions have upsides and downsides, as explained below.
Competition works on the principle of “the survival of the fittest”. This means that the most competitive person will reap the best reward. Encouraging competition is good, in my opinion, as it makes individuals work more seriously and effectively – and this can help them achieve their goals in life. (<-- Your sentence was quite awkward, so I joined it to the previous one with a dash.) However, there is a danger that (<-- Not all people who compete with others become too proud or arrogant. Don’t make sweeping generalisations.) they could end up becoming arrogant. They may look down upon others who don’t share (<-- This was a little awkward.) their status, and might not want to co-operate with people they perceive as weaker than them. (<-- This was awkward too, and a little informal, so I reworded it with more complex language.) They may even try (<-- ‘go the extra mile’ is an informal expression.) to prevent (<-- ‘hamper’ is a good word, but you can’t say ‘hamper someone from’. You could have said ‘hamper their performance’.) others from doing well, just to stay on top. For example, a competitive student may not share good learning materials with other students as it might help them do well too. For this reason, I believe that competition leads to a lack of compassion.
Co-operation works on a totally different principle. It encourages students to share and care, and promotes (<-- ‘promulgates’ is a very formal and overly complicated word that people don’t use in everyday speech or writing.) the concept of group learning, which can be very beneficial. (<-- Your sentences were too short, so I joined them together.) For example, students can share study materials and learning methodologies. They can help each other in weak areas and have discussions about a subject. (<-- In both of the last two sentences you started lists, but only included two points in each. This is incorrect. You should only use commas between ideas when there are more than two of them in a sentence. Otherwise, link them up with a word like ‘and’.) The only drawback to group work that I can think of is that it can make some individuals weak and dependent on others. (<-- This was a little awkward.)
In conclusion, while competition promotes dedication and hard work, I believe that it can make an individual less social. (<-- Again, this was awkward.) Co-operation, on the other hand, can make people sympathetic to each other. Hence, I support the idea that children should learn co-operation rather than competition as this will enhance their personality and help them contribute to society. (<-- Your sentence didn’t make much sense, so I reworded it.)
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I have some advice for you. Firstly, be careful when making statements that are simply your opinion rather than grounded in fact. You have a right to express your personal view, but not everyone will agree with you – so you always need to make it clear when you’re presenting your opinion with phrases like ‘In my opinion…’, ‘I feel that…’, ‘I believe that…’ or ‘I think that…’
Similarly, don’t make sweeping generalisations. These are also a type of opinion, and they aren’t grounded in fact either. For example, Olympic athletes need to be competitive – but this doesn’t mean they’re all arrogant or self-absorbed, even if some are.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox
Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.
----
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
In my opinion, it (<-- There is no proof for this, and it’s not a universally-held view – so you need to make it clear that it’s just your opinion.) is very important to train children to be hard-working and motivated from a very early age. Whether it is in academic learning or sports, I feel that children should be encouraged to be enthusiastic. Some people believe that this can be achieved by training them to be competitive, whilst (<-- You can’t start this sentence with whilst, because it’s the ‘joining word’ between two points of view. I turned it into two sentences instead.) others believe that children should be taught to be co-operative with each other. Both notions have upsides and downsides, as explained below.
Competition works on the principle of “the survival of the fittest”. This means that the most competitive person will reap the best reward. Encouraging competition is good, in my opinion, as it makes individuals work more seriously and effectively – and this can help them achieve their goals in life. (<-- Your sentence was quite awkward, so I joined it to the previous one with a dash.) However, there is a danger that (<-- Not all people who compete with others become too proud or arrogant. Don’t make sweeping generalisations.) they could end up becoming arrogant. They may look down upon others who don’t share (<-- This was a little awkward.) their status, and might not want to co-operate with people they perceive as weaker than them. (<-- This was awkward too, and a little informal, so I reworded it with more complex language.) They may even try (<-- ‘go the extra mile’ is an informal expression.) to prevent (<-- ‘hamper’ is a good word, but you can’t say ‘hamper someone from’. You could have said ‘hamper their performance’.) others from doing well, just to stay on top. For example, a competitive student may not share good learning materials with other students as it might help them do well too. For this reason, I believe that competition leads to a lack of compassion.
Co-operation works on a totally different principle. It encourages students to share and care, and promotes (<-- ‘promulgates’ is a very formal and overly complicated word that people don’t use in everyday speech or writing.) the concept of group learning, which can be very beneficial. (<-- Your sentences were too short, so I joined them together.) For example, students can share study materials and learning methodologies. They can help each other in weak areas and have discussions about a subject. (<-- In both of the last two sentences you started lists, but only included two points in each. This is incorrect. You should only use commas between ideas when there are more than two of them in a sentence. Otherwise, link them up with a word like ‘and’.) The only drawback to group work that I can think of is that it can make some individuals weak and dependent on others. (<-- This was a little awkward.)
In conclusion, while competition promotes dedication and hard work, I believe that it can make an individual less social. (<-- Again, this was awkward.) Co-operation, on the other hand, can make people sympathetic to each other. Hence, I support the idea that children should learn co-operation rather than competition as this will enhance their personality and help them contribute to society. (<-- Your sentence didn’t make much sense, so I reworded it.)
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I have some advice for you. Firstly, be careful when making statements that are simply your opinion rather than grounded in fact. You have a right to express your personal view, but not everyone will agree with you – so you always need to make it clear when you’re presenting your opinion with phrases like ‘In my opinion…’, ‘I feel that…’, ‘I believe that…’ or ‘I think that…’
Similarly, don’t make sweeping generalisations. These are also a type of opinion, and they aren’t grounded in fact either. For example, Olympic athletes need to be competitive – but this doesn’t mean they’re all arrogant or self-absorbed, even if some are.
Keep practising,
SyntaxFox