Can you please share your review on this Task 2 exercise

[imrahul]

Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We see their pictures in private situations.
Is it appropriate for magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people?
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Despite the internet revolution, there are a significantly large proportion of people who read newspaper and magazines. While newspapers are read to get updates on world events, magazines present in-depth analysis of issues or persons.

Nowadays, a lot of newspapers and magazines feature articles about famous persons, which describe their lives to the minutest details. At times, these include their pictures in the most private situations, like in beach clothes or with a close friend. While the purpose of the publications is to share information with the public, in my opinion, they cross the line by invading the privacy of these persons through unsolicited gathering of information. Many times, the graphic images are not suitable for all ages.

Firstly, people, famous or not, are entitled to their privacy. On occasions, the paparazzi hound these persons to get glimpses of their private moments. One such incursion caused the death of Princess Diana as her car raced to chase off the paparazzi. Secondly, as a newspaper reader, I would like to know what is happening around the world. Most readers, likewise, are not interested in finding out what famous people eat or wear, and seeing this information on the front page of newspapers is frustrating.

I do understand that there is an audience which craves this private information, and publications need to satisfy their needs as well. However, while competing to capture this audience, they should not cross the boundaries of personal freedom. Lives of famous people are appropriate to be shared in magazines specific to them like movie or celebrity. Newspapers, on the other hand, should focus on sharing news.

In either case, sharing personal information should happen only with the prior approval of the famous personalities. They have some personal moments and they should not be put up for public display.

[SyntaxFox]

Hi imrahul, thanks for posting. I’ve read your work, and I have a few tips for you.

Corrections are in red, and comments are in blue.

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Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We see their pictures in private situations.

Is it appropriate for magazines or newspapers to give this kind of private information about people?

Despite the internet revolution, there is a significantly large proportion of people (<-- In this case, it’s actually correct to say ‘there is’ because you are directly talking about the proportion, rather than the people. It’s correct to say ‘people are’, but it’s not correct to say ‘a proportion are’. It can be tricky to fully grasp this concept!) who read newspapers and magazines. While newspapers are read to get updates on world events, magazines present an in-depth analysis of issues or people. (<-- ‘Persons’ isn’t incorrect, but I feel your sentence reads better when it’s replaced with ‘people’.)

Nowadays, a lot of newspapers and magazines feature articles about famous people, which describe their lives to the minutest details. At times, these include their pictures in the most private situations, like in beach clothes or with a close friend. While the purpose of the publications is to share information with the public, in my opinion, they cross the line by invading the privacy of these people through the unsolicited gathering of information. Many times, the graphic images are not suitable for all ages.

Firstly, people, famous or not, are entitled to their privacy. On occasions, the paparazzi hound these people to get glimpses of their private moments. One such incursion caused the death of Princess Diana as her car raced to chase off the paparazzi. Secondly, as a newspaper reader, I would like to know what is happening around the world. Most readers, likewise, are not interested in finding out what famous people eat or wear, and seeing this information on the front page of newspapers is frustrating.

I do understand that there is an audience that craves this private information, and publications need to satisfy their needs as well. However, while competing to capture this audience, they should not cross the boundaries of personal freedom. The lives of famous people are appropriate for sharing in magazines specific to them, like film (<-- I changed ‘movie’ to ‘film’ because ‘film’ is the original British English word. ‘Movie’ is American, and although many English people do use it, it’s better to stick with the original British term.) or celebrity publications. (<-- I felt like this sentence was missing a word at the end, and ‘publications’ is sufficiently complex.) Newspapers, on the other hand, should focus on sharing news.

In either case, sharing personal information should happen only with the prior approval of the famous personalities. Like ordinary citizens, they have some personal moments, and these should not be put up for public display. (<-- There wasn’t really anything wrong with your sentence, but I felt it would benefit from being a little longer. I added ‘like ordinary citizens’ to improve the flow.)

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I thought this was an excellent answer. I have just a few comments for you. Firstly, as I explained at the beginning, it can be difficult to determine whether to use ‘is’ or ‘are’ in sophisticated, complex sentences. I’d advise you to seek out the main subject of the sentence each time, to make sure. In that first sentence, while you were talking about people, you were directly talking about a group of them – a proportion. You’re right that ‘people’ is plural, and the word ‘are’ should be used when referring to them – but because you have written ‘a proportion’, this means the direct subject has become singular. It can be a difficult rule to explain, but if you need more clarification on this, don’t hesitate to let me know.

Secondly – and this is just a minor issue – I noticed that you had used ‘persons’ several times instead of ‘people’. You aren’t totally incorrect; ‘persons’ is a word. But in this context, and in the context of future answers, I’d recommend using ‘people’. The word ‘persons’ can be seen as overly formal – the sort of word you might find in a legal contract, for example. Using the word ‘people’ can help improve the flow of your writing.

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I would grade it Band 7.5.

Keep practising,

SyntaxFox

[durai]

Hi,
This is for SyntaxFox,

You graded this essay 7.5,

I am wondering how much you gave for GR & A.

Because, to get band 7 in grammar , there should be frequent error free sentences, but in this essay there are 16 sentences, and 8 of them are error-free ( out of 8, 3 are very short sentences, you know short sentence lose marks).

I am just checking to get to know more about how ielts examiner grade essays, nothing personal.

thanks for your understanding.