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Hi All,

Please correct and grad my below essay writing. I am giving IELTS GT in next month. Thanks for your time.

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Young people who commit serious crimes should be punished the same way as adults. Do you agree or disagree?
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In recent decades, many of the countries are concerned about crime rates. Though a government is conducting awareness programs, crime rate is at peak level. Unfortunately, many children are involving in serious misconducts. Some advocates believe that juvenile delinquency should be punished as same way as adults.Personally, i don't completely agree with this notion.

To begin with, only severe punishments acts as a barrier for wrongdoers against re-offending. For instance,a young murderer may not feel guilty and feared of criminal justice system and continue to do more misconducts if he was not given a severe punishment. As a result, this will be dangerous to the society. So, punishment should be equally given irrespective of age.

However, There are many drawbacks if we punish juvenile offenders in similar to adults. Firstly, most of the teenagers are misconducting due to the lack of maturity levels and they may not be fully aware of wrongdoings they make. For example, group of teenagers may perform dangerous stunts which may led to a person death. If they are sentenced as similar to adults, they might suffer from shock or mental disorders. Secondly, facing long sentences may led to adopt negative behavior. For example, they might develop negative feeling on law system and may try to take revenge once they finish their sentence.

In conclusion, every one who commits a misconduct should be punished. But for teenagers, keeping their career and maturity levels in mind, justice system should focus more on rehabilitation which develops positive environment for juvenile rather than severe punishments.
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In recent decades, many(‘of the’not required) countries are concerned about crime rates. Though a government is conducting awareness (programmes), crime rate is at peak (‘level’ unnecessary). Unfortunately, many children are involving in serious misconducts( so far you haven’t introduced the topic, you should talk about young and adult punishment) . Some people (“advocates” I think people would be more suitable, because you talking generally, but of put advocates , you narrow thr topic already, it sounds more good if you this word in examples) believe that juvenile delinquency should be punished as same way as adults.( Here, “To my mind” is a good idiom to use at this situation) Personally, I don't completely agree with this notion.

To begin with, only severe punishments acts( subject verb agreement “act” is the right word, basic errors will reduce your band considerably in GR & A)) as a barrier for wrongdoers against re-offending. For instance, a young murderer may not feel guilty and feared of criminal justice system( sounds awkward) and continue to do more misconducts if he was not given a severe punishment. As a result, this will be dangerous to the society. So, punishment should be equally given irrespective of age( again your are off topic, this paragraph discussed points generally about how punishments stop re-offenders. But, you didn’t provide anything about how child punishment should be compare to adults)

However, There are many drawbacks if we punish juvenile offenders in similar to adults. Firstly, most of the teenagers are misconducting due to (“the”,no article) lack of maturity levels and they may not be fully aware of wrongdoings they make. For example, group of teenagers may perform dangerous stunts which may led( “lead”) to a person death. If they are sentenced as similar to adults, they might suffer from shock or mental disorders. Secondly, facing long sentences may led to adopt negative behavior. For example, they might develop negative feeling on law system and may try to take revenge once they finish their sentence.

In conclusion, everyone who commits (“a”no article here) misconduct should be punished. But for teenagers, keeping their career and maturity levels in mind, justice(“just” more suitable, instead of justice) system should focus more on rehabilitation which develops positive environment for juvenile rather than severe punishments.

TR : band 5
1st supporting para is off topic, and 2nd para no examples explained, I mean you are not convinced the reader why adults sentence should differ, you gave points but not extended.
CC: band 6
Some logical flow, but word formation, grammar mistakes make reader difficult to understand.
LR : band 5
Some good lexis but many of them are not in correct order, study collocatios, so that you know which word goes with.
GR & A: band 5
Because you have simple and complex structure , many of them with errors, basic SV agreement and articles significantly reduce your mark in grammar part, so take care , avoid basic errors such as, SV agreement, articles, singular, plural, prepositions, capital letters, punctuation.

Overall : 5 + 6 + 5+ 5= 21/4= 5.25, which is band 5

suggestions: read essay structure from Ryan web, so that you can score band 7 in TR and CC.
study grammar and improve your vocabulary by reading more essays form different websites.