IELTSNetwork.com

Please help me check this writing. I don't know what my weakness is when sitting on the IELTS writing exam, so I will be very grateful for giving me comments and the band of score for this.

Topic:
Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

In the present world, stress has become inevitable in most countries. This essay will discuss some reasons contributing to stress and suggest some solutions for it.

The rapid development of Internet is the primary reason for stress. In the past, businessman waited for a long time to receive contracts, thus having more time on preparing and relaxing. In contrast, nowadays, they need only one click by email or a phone call that takes a few moments. This leads to the fact that they feel very stressful as they must think twice in a limted time. In addition, most workers are dependent largely on machines and computers that make them sit at one place for a long time. Being more inactive minimizes the happy moments for brains, and thus causing stress.

Based on the aforesaid 2 reasons, there are 2 solutions for lessening stress. First, people need balance between work and enterntainment. The entertaining times will help reduce stress from the pressure of work effectively. A detailed plan for weeks will be ideal for businessman at the present time since it can help them increase their concentration on each task and complete their duties more rapidly. For me, a weekly plan relieves my stress as it lets me know that I could then have free times after finishing my study. Second, it is necessary to do exercises whenever free of work. Only such small exersies as walking around offices are extremely useful in letting brains relax and relieving stress.

In a nutshell, stress is now common when most people have to face the speed of Internet development and the much dependence on machinary. However, if people could find the best ways to keep balance between working and relaxing hours as well as increase their brain’s health via doing exercises, stress would not be problematic.

Hi Azaaza,

The first thing you need to do is commit to writing a comprehensive introduction paragraph. The introduction paragraph you've submitted here offers no direction for the essay. Because you are writing about problems and solutions, you should be declaring the general problem area and solution area you are going to be looking at in the essay. This creates a central theme for the piece that can be reflected upon throughout the the remainder of the essay.

There is some awkwardness in the supporting paragraphs due to minor grammatical issues. Overall, I think the logical progression through these supporting paragraphs and the conclusions drawn from the examples are pretty good. The conclusion sentences, however, require stronger links to the centralized theme. This is yet another reason why establishing a solid position in your introduction paragraph is so imperative. To give you a tangible example of what I mean, try changing "Being more inactive minimizes the happy moments for brains, and thus causing stress." to "It therefore can be concluded that increased workplace pressure and sedentary lifestyles are among the most major causes of modern stress." The closing sentence in your second supporting paragraph also needs more focus.

Please also review article use and plurals (i.e. the Internet, businessmen).

Your cohesion is a little robotic at times. Again, because there isn't an established central theme, I do not feel there is enough cohesion between paragraphs. The supporting paragraphs have a nice "Base on the aforesaid..." link, but they too lack a link to anything consistent throughout the essay.

I'm going to say this is about a band 5.5. This might be a little harsher than what you would receive on the actual exam, but I feel the lack of central message really weakens the essay's overall fluency and ability to achieve the task.

Good luck.