I need to improve my writing. Please assess my essay and give possible score

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others however believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Essay:
In today's world, it has been controversial whether parents or school curriculum is an optimal choice to teach children how to get an excellent career in a society. An overwhelming majority of people claim that parents have a great influence on the future of offsprings. Nonetheless some other indeed aee the opposite scenario believing that, the role of school is irreplacable comparing to other fields on bringing up children. This is indeed approval argument which will be analyzed following in the essay.

From the one perspective, parents are the people who are aware of the characteristics of their sons and daughters. Hence they know the best features and can put an emphasis on polishing these skills rather than any school teachers. Additionally, they concentrate their mind on only their children and can spend much time on working with them, whereas it is ardous for school professors to take control of the whole class.

Nevertheless, all these are surely not enough to disguise the basic role of the school which is more obvious. First and foremost, during the classes, pupils prone to feel a sense of competitiveness which leads them to be the most clever student amidst groupmates.

Furthermore, all teachers are considered to be well-qualified people and they have already received their pedagogical degree. Therefore, with the aid of huge knowledge not only in teaching but also bringing up youngsters, teachers' role and life-long experience are rewardable. As to exemplify, most teachers have experienced variety of difficulties on dealing with different behavioured pupils. So it helps to raise and prepare youth on finding a suitable career in the future.

By way of conclusion, although some merits of parents on brnging up children are acceptable, schools and teachers' role can not be replaced with any other options for the reasons states above.
310 words
Thanks a lot
Doni

[Flick]

Topic : Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others however believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Essay:
In today's world, it is controversial whether parents or school curriculum is an optimal choice to teach children how to get an excellent career in society. An overwhelming majority of people claim that parents have a great influence on the future of their offspring. Nonetheless, some others support an opposing viewpoint, stating that the role of school is irreplaceable compared to other methods of bringing up children. I agree with this argument which will be analyzed in the essay below.

From the one perspective, parents are the people who are aware of the characteristics of their sons and daughters. Hence they know their best features and can put an emphasis on polishing these skills better than any school teachers. Additionally, they concentrate their mind on only their children and can spend much time on working with them, whereas it is arduous for school professors to take control of the whole class.

Nevertheless, all these are surely not enough to disguise the basic role of the school which is more obvious.(<--Reword to: "Nevertheless, school plays an important role in shaping their students.") First and foremost, during the classes, pupils tend to feel a sense of competitiveness which leads them to try harder in order to succeed.

Furthermore, all teachers are considered to be well-qualified people and they have already received their pedagogical degree. Therefore, with the aid of huge knowledge not only in teaching but also in bringing up youngsters, teachers' role and life-long experience are rewardable.(<--What do you mean?) For example, most teachers have experienced a variety of difficulties in dealing with different behavioured pupils. So they can help to raise and prepare youth on finding a suitable career in the future.

By way of conclusion, although some merits of parents on brnging up children are acceptable, schools and teachers' role can not be replaced with any other options for the reasons stated above.
310 words
Thanks a lot
Doni