Please assess my essay

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Leading a happy lifestyle has become a number one objective of humanbeings in today’s contemporary world. A growing number of people ascertain that having a tranquil life and not striving to make changes benefit them in many ways, whilst opponents hold the view that changing the mind regularly will lead to prosperous future. Both views hold mer it, but on condition that individuals make an appropriate choice about altering the ways of their lives, they will be able to achieve their full potential. In this essay both views will be analyzed before a detailed conclusion is drawn.
The argument in favour of people keeping peaceful life is largly based around the idea that, they may become comfortable to the routine practices in life in which they have already been accustomed to. In tody’s modern era, for instance, senior citizens will find it tough to read daily newspapers via the electronical gadgets, due to the fact that they are not aware of utilizing and their special features. Hence, geriatric individuals are not required to learn these skills and it may be complex for them to adapt to the technological life.
Equally, there are strong grounds for arguing that, health community is always in need of new plans which makes it more powerful. To wit, people who always chop and change are likely to achieve more, because these motives could urge them to step up to the top stages. To illustrate, business people who have experienced failures in their areas apt to utilize new ways so as to succeed, relying on the experience they have gained. Thus, these changes may motivate people nad bring more opportunities.
After conducting this analysis, it is clear-cut that regardless of the difficulties that some people face to fit to the changes, making an effort to bring new investigations into life could help people to be one of the bright sparkes in the future.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Doni,
Generally, a good essay with very good grammar and good vocab. Well done!
The only two points I would make are ...
1. Your arguments in the second main paragraph aren't proven. Examples might be better. And change the language so it is not so absolute.
2. In the introduction you say you will provide a detailed conclusion ...
All the best,
David