IELTSNetwork.com

Question: today more people than ever are travelling around the world. Some people believe that such travelling helps to broaden people's mind, while others think it just confirms their prejudices. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.


My test:
Today more people than ever are travelling around the world. The increase and the expansion of low cost aircraft companies makes moving easier than years ago. The reason why people move can be different, for example: social, economic or simply to expand own horizons.

Some people love to travel and they believe that such travelling helps to broaden their mind.
They are curious ant they absorb everything from novel places and foreign populations and cultures.
Travelling can be sometimes a good way to change your life, to give a special kind of richness, that means to fraternize with new locations, odd weather, foreign languages. It can give you more knowledge about the life in general and about your job field.
Everything can be an enrichment. For example, for a fashion designer it could be useful to move to India to assimilate habits and to know the use of odd colors.
When the traveller goes back to his own country, he is surely a different person and he should use his new points of view in everyday life.

However other people believe that travelling is not important and it causes a waste of time.
They must not be interesting people and probably they prefer an ordinary life than a searching life.

To raise the people's curiosity towards the travelling life and bring them near it, the schools offer to kids a lot of trips and adventures to live with other peers.

Personally, I love to travel and in my opinion it is one of the best things in life; it permits us to improve ourself as much people in different ways.
Having the possibility to know foreign languages, cultures, habits, colors, pristine places is the best gift ever from the life.

In future, I wish to have a job which permits me to travel a lot, because I prefer an active life than the routine.





Would you mind give me your comment and express an eventual score, please?

Martina

Martina wrote:Question: today more people than ever are travelling around the world. Some people believe that such travelling helps to broaden people's mind, while others think it just confirms their prejudices. (<--Is this exactly as the question is worded?) Discuss both these views and give your opinion.


My test:
Today more people than ever are travelling around the world. (<--Is this a word-for-word copy of the question's opening line?) The increase and the expansion of low cost aircraft companies makes moving easier than years ago. (<--This sounds like a very specific detail. This would be better sharee as part of some evidence for why more people are travelling.) The reason why people move can be different, for example: social, economic or simply to expand own horizons. (<--I do not feel the introduction paragraph establishes a healthy pattern for the essay. You should be sharing a bit of background (not an exact quote form the Task description) and clearly outlining what is going to be accomplished in the essay. I do not see any statement in this introduction that tells me as a reader what your purpose is. Here is a healthier reword of what you've written above:

More people are travelling than ever before, and this has raised many new avenues of discussion. For some, this growing trend is seen as healthy, as it exposes people to other cultures and encourages toleration, understanding and acceptance. For others, growth in international travel is thought to encourage closed-minded views. This essay will discuss both positions.

Something like the above declares clearly to the reader what will be accomplished by the essay. In addition to providing you with a framework from which to construct the rest of the essay, it is a great way to demonstrate to your examiner your adherence to the task.)


Some people love to travel and they believe that such travelling helps to broaden their mind.
They are curious and they absorb everything from novel places and foreign populations and cultures. (Why do you end the paragraph here? What has this paragraph accomplished?)
Travelling can be sometimes a good way to change your life, (<--Avoid being overly personal in your essay. Language like you, your, we and our can dilute academic tone.) to give a special kind of richness, that means to fraternize with new locations, odd weather and foreign languages. It can give you more knowledge about the life in general and about your job field.
Everything can be an enrichment. (<--These sentences are a bunch of blither. Demonstrate to your examiner you are capable of making a claim, providing evidence, discussing this evidence and drawing a reasoned and logical conclusion.) For example, for a fashion designer it could be useful to move to India to assimilate habits and to know the use of odd colors. (<--What should I as the reader conclude from this example? Please don't assume the examiner is going to mentally make the logical connections between ideas for you. You need to demonstrate logical progression in your essay.)
When the traveller goes back to his own country, he (<--Avoid being gender specific when talking about people in general. In modern English, this is considered poor form.) is surely a different person and he should use his new points of view in everyday life. (<--Again, you are assuming that your reader is going to logically connect this back to your essay question. This won't happen. You need to tell the reader precisely what it is you would like them to conclude.)

However other people believe that travelling is not important and it causes a waste of time.
They must not be interesting people and probably they prefer an ordinary life than a searching life. (<--This paragraph is complete speculation. There is no evidence to back up your discussion.)

To raise the people's curiosity towards the travelling life and bring them near it, the schools offer to kids a lot of trips and adventures to live with other peers. (<--What schools? Schools in your country? How do these schools help to encourage travel?)

Personally, I love to travel and in my opinion it is one of the best things in life; it permits us to improve ourself as much people (<--Much people?) in different ways.
Having the possibility to know foreign languages, cultures, habits, colors (<--?) and pristine places is the best gift ever from the life.

In future, I wish to have a job which permits me to travel a lot, because I prefer an active life to one steeped in routine.





Would you mind give me your comment and express an eventual score, please?

Martina

Hi Martina,

This demonstration does not fulfill the essay question. The structure is difficult to follow and illogical. There is very little discussion and the few examples you share are loose and do not demonstrate either side of the task issue in action. This essay would score very low for Task Achievement.

Step one is for you to adopt an essay structure. I'd suggest watching my videos for ideas (http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAE217EDDF7F19843). Following this, work on polishing your tone and presenting a voice in your writing that is more academic in nature. Examples are key to creating discussion and illustrating points. Discussion essay questions would require you demonstrate your points using true to life evidence.

Both grammar and lexical resources need improvement. The weaknesses in this area contribute directly the the degree of incoherence present in your writing.

I wouldn't imagine this essay to score higher than band 5 at the absolute most.

Good luck,
Ryan