Task2-Cause and solution-not health and fit- pls give me a score, thanks

[rairaichan0115]

Nowadays, many children are not as fit and healthy as children used to be in the past. What are the causes? How could it be solved?

In this age of change, the human society is progressing rapidly in various fronts. However, at the same time, many problems have arisen, a serious one of them is a healthy problem among young people. This issue has drawn widespread attention. This essay will examine the major cause and solution of this matter.

Firstly, one of the major causes of the children are not healthy as their predecessors used to be when they were children today’s come as a result of unbalance diet. For instance, it is prevalent for children having fast foods rather than eating low fat and salty foods. Fast foods are frequently high in sat and fat, which is a profoundly negative effect on their health. This makes it clear that having unwholesome foods will severely influence their body condition. As this shows, unhealthy diet could be concluded today’s greatest cause of countless young children having not fit and healthy as children used to be in the previous time.

A suggested solution to the above is educating children to have healthy menus at school. To illustrate, in Australia, educators enlighten the children to have wholesome edibles. They will eat nutrient foods with them as well as be a splendid model to them. Consequently, they have been educated about how to choose healthy nourishment in their earlier life. It is obvious from this that teaching them to select healthy food could be a plausible solution to this issue.

In conclusion, it is clear a problem of such complexity and that there is no solution is likely in the short term. However, I believe that the measure outlined above could constitute a good first step. Furthermore, I contend that it seems highly advisable for the government to hold various campaigns to promote healthy diet for children and family.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Since the difference between unhealthy and healthy foods is now widely known, what are they going to 'educate' Australian children about? And does that mean that in Australia there is no longer a problem? The solution seems so simple! (You say it is a solution in the main paragraph, but change that to a step in the conclusion - confusing!)

I don't think that you have looked at why children are choosing unhealthy food options. Also, you seem to put all children together. And you haven't mentioned exercise.

Overall, a simple essay with little development.

All the best,
David