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please check my writing task two

Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 5:57 pm
by Max maximus
Some people think that charity organizations should only offer help to people of their own country. But others believe that these organizations should give aid to people in great need whereever they live. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In today's world, there are many charity organizations which are intended to help those people who are in poor condition. Many claim that these organizations should only offer assistance to the population of their country whereas others are in favour of the opinion that they should aid people in tremendous need no matter where they reside. In this essay both sides will be analyzed before a relevant conclusion is reached.

From the one prospective, one can give several reasons to support the idea that there is no use for charity organizations to help human beings from other countries. Because, these organizations cannot make sufficient amount of money for others except from individuals of their home country. They could make a great contribution to not only the development but also the better life of dwellers of their country on condition that they spend every accumulated money for their country.

On the other hand, the counterpart of above statement hold the viewpoint that every human being in the world has a right to be given an aid when they are in great need or has financial problems as regards that of their home country. To illustrate, charity events in some countries are held annually so as to offer widespread help to human beings who are in great need in every part of the globe. By doing this, the member of the charity organizations can prevent the grown rate of death, hunger or poverty that are existing in developing or poor countries. As example shows, more benefits of giving aids to people worldwide can be clear.

In addition to this, in order to inhibit the overspread arrival of fatal deseases such as the Ebola virus, many organizations are endaviouring to collect a great deal of money and encouraging people and affluent countries to give donations. For instance, UNICEF is international organozation which is intended to help people, especially younger generations who are succumbing to several contagious deseases and hunger in some countries such as Africa. With the widespread aid of this organization, many lives have been saved and our world is becoming full of young, healthy and dynamic offspring. Hence every charity organization should work for the sake of everybody who are in great need in every country.

To recapitulate, taking every aspect into account, it appears that it could be advantageous providing that charity organizations offer help to people who are deeply in need no matter where they live. If people of home country need help, it would be advisable to aid around us.

Re: please check my writing task two

Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:47 am
by David.IELTS.Examiner
Hello again, Max!

Good introduction.

I'm afraid I don't really get the point in the first main paragraph.

I understand the point in the second main paragraph, but I don't think that you have presented the argument as to why the money should go to a foreign country.

Ah! There it is in the third main paragraph! That's what I was hoping for. Join the two paragraphs together.

Good conclusion.

Overall, quite a good essay, but paragraphing is wrong and the first point needs an overhaul.
All the best,
David