Please analyse my writing and give me feedback about my witing

[abbasazarmehrput]

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?

What other types of job should be highly paid?

There has been a heated debate among elites on whether entertainers are highly-paid or not. Although a group of people believe that entertainers receive large amounts of money, I completely disagree with this. Teachers and physicians should also make a small fortune.

Salary received by people who work in the entertainment industry is not high. For example, Ali Daei, who is the most famous Iranian footballer, just earned a good salary in a short period of time when he played for Bayern Munich Football Club. This makes it clear that entertainers deserve to be highly-paid due to their limited time for earning money. This example clearly illustrates why entertainers are justified to receive a huge sum of money.

There are also other occupations are entitled to receive a great amount of money because of their contributions to the society. Teachers who teach students about different subjects like mathematics and physics are good examples. Not only do they assimilate ordinary academic subjects into school children, but they also teach them how to be successful in their future careers and co-operate effectively with their future co-workers. Doctors who save the lives of people and enhance the living standard of citizens are another good examples. Both these examples clearly show why teachers and physicians should make a lot of money.

In summary, it is believed that wages received by entertainers are fair, and there are also other people like instructors and physicians who should receive large amounts of money. It is suggested that members of community are paid based upon their contribution to the society in which they live rather than their popularity among people.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello again, Abbas!

First main paragraph - Unclear. Footballers may have a short career at the top, but many entertainers can keep going for decades - Michael Jackson, Madonna. Why can't a comedian start a career at the age of 20 and end it at 60?

Second main paragraph - Change 'assimilate' to teach.

Conclusion - It is? The conclusion should be your opinion, not that of others.

All the best,
David