Task2-argument- entertainer are paid too much - Merry Christmas

[rairaichan0115]

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?

What other types of job should be highly paid?

In the contemporary society, celebrities such as singers, actors along with sport players could gain extremely high salaries for a just a single performance or game. Some people felt that they are receiving excessive money and it is unfair to other occupations, for example, a doctor, teacher as well as lawyer as those employment have made many valuable contributions to our community. It is disagreed that the famous performers have acquired too much money. This argument will be analyzed by looking at how their works can bring enormous economic prosperity and release our pressure.

First of all, it is an undeniable fact that they create countless wealth to the society. To illustrate, Korean singers – Big Band is a world renowned singer. They are not even generating wealth for themselves, but also attracting a lot of tourists to come to Korea. This makes it clear that the Korean government can gain a significant revenues from the tourists. As this shows, they are worth to obtain this exorbitant price as their remuneration.

Secondly, and even more importantly, watching films which are performed by the noticeable people can release citizens’ daily strain. For instance, individuals frequently watch movies on their leisure time for relaxing. During this time, they can put their tasks down away as well as enjoy their time with the loved ones. Consequently, people can find a way to liberate their tension and diminish the opportunity to develop emotional issue in the near future. It is obvious from this that their contributions to the public are worth to have such excessive incomes.

In conclusion, following looking at how the community can take benefits from them, it is felt that entertainers should have such higher wages. Also, I believe that it seems highly advisable for the public to respect and appreciate their work.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Second attempt!

Introduction - 'It is ...' again!

First main paragraph - 'exorbitant' is a negative word.

Second main paragraph - 'noticeable people'? 'diminish the opportunity to develop emotional issue'? 'excessive' is negative in this sense.

Conclusion - I think you need to explain why money should be related to respect.

Overall, I think that this essay makes a lot of points that are unclear. Vocabulary is generally good, but sometimes mistakes make the writing harder to understand.

All the best,
David