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please evaluate my writing task 2

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 6:08 am
by Max maximus
Some people think that the government should pay for health care and education, but other people claim that it is the individuals’s responsibility. Do you agree ordisagree?

Today, it is controversial whether the government should be completely accountable for the payment of health care and education or induviduals themselves. Many claim that the government should subsidise a great deal of money for these services whereas other people hold the opinion that it is the only responsibility of human beings. In this essay both views will be analyed before a relevant conclusion is reached.

Innitially, one can give several reasons to support  the idea that  the government should be liable to pay for health care and education services, because by doing this, they could not only prevent the grown rate of illiteracy or death and various kinds of deseases but also they might create a number of opportunities for their dwellers to lead a better life. For instance, in Uzbekistan, people can even study in colleges for free and there are many grants for students in higher education. Moreover  medical treatment is also free of charge and the drugs patients consume in nationalised hospitals do not cost in most parts of this country. Consequently, younger generations of Uzbekistan are healthy and dynamic and the rate of illiterate people has decreased noticeably over the duration of twenty four years since this country reached its independence. As example shows, the advantages of making medical and educational services free of charge can be clear in some ways.

On the other hand, it is sometimes argued that the government might lose a great amount of money that is foundation of its economy on condition that every money is donated to medical and educational services. To illustrate, there are many human beings who are succumbing to several illnesses. Providing that the authorities pay for the treatment of these people, they could not find sufficient amount of money for other issues of their country. In addition, individuals should be more responsible to pay for their education and medical services without waiting for the government subsidy. By doing this, thay may make a great contribution to the development of their country.  

In summary, taking every aspect into consideration , it appears that both the government and people should share the responsibility of fees of medical educational services equally in order to obtain more achievements. By working cooperatively, both sides could move forward .     

Re: please evaluate my writing task 2

Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2015 5:58 am
by David.IELTS.Examiner
Hello again, Max!

Introduction - Very good, but not sure about the word 'relevant'.

First main paragraph - Good, but you don't explain why that is due to GOVERNMENT spending and could not be achieved equally by private spending.

Second main paragraph - Good, but people die from illnesses in all countries, regardless of their level of health care. I mean, people die ...

Overall, good, but some points are unclear and I don't think that you have really differentiated between the effects of government spending and private spending.

All the best,
David