Unpaid community service - Writing Task 2

[Ecro]

It's generally believed that unpaid community services should be a compulsory part of high schools programmes. Others, however, disagree with that statement.
On the one hand, unpaid community services can teach high schools students a lot of things. Firstly, it'll help them become more orgranised, and they'll have to improve their time management, as they'll have to juggle between school, studying and doing that community work. Secondly, the pupils will become better members of their society and neighbourhood, because they're going to become a part of it, and more engaged with the activities it can offer.
Thirdly, this work will make them build or improve their communication skills, work ethic, and tolerance toward other people. Fourthly, it's just great experience to have, which could help them in the future, when they're looking for a job, and the employer sees that this person has more work experience in that particular field.
On the other hand, that unpaid community service might not help them at all, and even they could end up being worse off than when they started out. Firstly, if the unpaid work that a high school offers does not appeal to a student's preferences, he'd have to do something that he doesn't enjoy doing. Therefore, he'd not put enough effort into that work, and in the end, could actually start hating it, because he was forced to do it. In the worst case, it could be so destructive, that this person would never want to do any voluntary work again, because of that rough experience he had.
Overall, I think that this unpaid community service shouldn't be compulsory, because not all students would like the work they're offered, which could damage that student's perception about unpaid community work.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello again, Ecro!

First main paragraph - I think you need to explain why the students will be organising the schedule and not the schools. Students are already part of the neighbourhood!

Second main paragraph - Both these points need further explanation. How does the community service lead to a 'particular field'?

Third main paragraph - Yes, but you did say 'will' (= sure, 100%) in the preceding paragraphs, so how does that fit?

Overall, make sure that you explain your points rather than simply listing and asserting. Also, you must use modals correctly!

All the best,
David