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It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?

It has been suggested by some that all of young people should take part in a period of work without payment and help others in their local community. As far as i am concerned, i believe that this strategy is more advantageous in comparison with its flaws. This will be proved by analysing the benefits brought to young adults and the community as a whole.

To begin with, the young generation can gain a large number of invaluable and practical life skills by engaging these unpaid activities. For instance, young adults are able to obtain communication skills, organisational skills and how to collaborate with others from the process. Skills and working experiences gained through unpaid work are not only an asset to their resume but also enhance the possibility of their employment. Therefore, it is apparent that participating unpaid work is very beneficial for the young people in terms of sharpening their social skills.

Additionally, undertaking unpaid work is not helpful for the young people, but also for the community, which means it can improve the solidarity and stability of the local community. For example, joining in unpaid work can prevent the young people from playing online video games or sitting in front of television, which be helpful to reduce the crime rate of the young people. As a consequence, the local community would become more stable and safe. Thus, the local community also can benefit from unpaid work.

In conclusion, participating unpaid job is not just beneficial for young adults, but also for the community. The young people can gain certain working experiences as well as social skills, meanwhile the local community could be more stable due to this. Therefore, i believe that its merits outweighs its drawbacks. it is recommended that this policy can be adopted shortly.

In analyzing your essay I will use the public band descriptors available in the IELTS website at
http://www.ielts.org/pdf/Writing%20Band ... sk%202.pdf
For task response, the question is adequately done. All parts of the prompt are answered. Some of the arguments are not entirely convincing.
These TR band criteria are the closest fit:
• addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
• presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
• presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

One example of a weak argument is this one:
“. Skills and working experiences gained through unpaid work are not only an asset to their resume but also enhance the possibility of their employment. Therefore, it is apparent that participating unpaid work is very beneficial for the young people in terms of sharpening their social skills.”

There is no logical connection between enhanced employment skills and enhanced social skills.
I also can’t see a logical link between watching television and committing crimes.

Coherence and cohesion is good. The public band criteria that fits best are:
• logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
• uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
• presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

An example of a cohesive device used inappropriately can be seen in your first paragraph:

“It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?”

In this case, the pronoun “it” in the second sentence should be “this”. You are referring to the idea in the previous sentence, not to a specific noun, so “this” is the correct referencing word. Note also that the sentence incorrectly begins with lower case.

Lexical resources is good. I don't’ see a wide range, but the words used are used with some precision, and there are a few less common words in there.

•uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
• uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
• may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
One or two formal idiomatic expressions would ensure a high lexical resources band.

In terms of grammar, good range of structures, but too many errors. The best fitting criteria are:

*uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
* makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication

There are many small grammar errors, but I will just point out a couple in the first paragraph:

It has been suggested by some that all (of) young people should take part in a period of work without payment and help others in their local community. As far as (I) am concerned, (I) believe that this strategy brings more benefits than drawbacks. This will be proved by analysing the advantages for adults and for the community as a whole.
I corrected several errors, and also changed the wording to provide a more balanced sentence, and avoid repetition.

More errors include:

“…not helpful for (the) young people…”

No article is required for plural nouns.

Therefore, (I) believe that (its) merits (outweigh) its drawbacks. (It) is recommended that this policy be adopted shortly.
The brackets enclose errors or corrections. I the personal pronoun is always a capital of course. The pronouns “it” is incorrect, for two reasons. This pronoun links to the subject of the previous sentence, (young people) when you are actually referring to the sbjuect of the essay, unpaid work. You can’t use any kind of referencing word here because what it refers to is not close enough. You have to say “unpaid work”.
If you match the band descriptors I quoted to the relevant bands you will see what band you would most likely have achieved for this essay.

Hi Cliff,

Thanks for your great feedback. I did not notice that i made so many mistakes on my writing. Thanks for pointing them out. I will pay much attention to them on my following practice.

Thanks for your effort.

Thanks,
Jenny