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@@please asset my writing task 2. Many thanks

Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 11:25 pm
by maianh
:?: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.



There has always been a consensus over the issue that the competitive spirit is more pivotal to the future career of a child than the team skills. However, some argue that both mentioned methods should be fostered equally to gain fruitful success.

On the one hand, children who are taught to obtain a strong desire in competition appeal to have myriad benefits and drawbacks. Firstly, they are capable of working independently. This skill is especially precise in the case when a job requires working separately for secret purposes like in politics. An individual must decide whether or not to share information. However, an extremely strong sense of competition could prone to harm them due to their subjective decisions. Should a person solely consider his choice and omit or underestimate other suggestions, he may lose many precious opportunities.

On the other hand, however, co-operating skills are worth being incubated in every child. Successfully maintaining this skill means that an individual can take good use of others’ merits. There is no exaggeration to say that people obtaining team spirit are easier to progress in their career. This is mostly because they know how to manage the workforce and solve the problems more practically.
Moreover, those may tend to be nominated to work as leaders.

All in all, competitive spirit, as well as team spirit have their own beneficial perspectives in the development of a child and are required for specific jobs. Consequently, it is hard for me to draw a line between the importance of these two skills and it is hard to for a child to just having a singular one for their substantial occupation. (274)

Re: @@please asset my writing task 2. Many thanks

Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 6:44 am
by David.IELTS.Examiner
Hello!

First main paragraph - This paragraph doesn't really make sense to me. Politicians only might work as independent individuals when there is a strong dictatorship, but others have to work as part of a team. A prime minister works with ministers. Members of parliament usually have secretaries and advisers. Add on my personal preference for more open politics and you need to explain why all government decisions must be secret. Considering that many governments, even China's for example, announce policies in advance, this doesn't seem to make much sense.

Second main paragraph - You need to explain why co-operative people are better managers, more practical and progress further. Is using another person to do your work really co-operation?

Overall, a very general overview without specific examples or using examples that simply don't work.

All the best,
David

Re: @@please asset my writing task 2. Many thanks

Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 1:50 pm
by maianh
David, thank you for your quick reply. This IELTS forum is so effective and amazing for me. Your response is really useful and i think that's my weakness when doing the test.
Then, could i ask you a few question?

First, what would you think when you receive this topic? how would you brainstorm effectively in this topic?
Second, do you have some kind of criteria to assess the issue in general? (like health, education, economy,...)
Third, i always stuck into the situation when during the test, i think that my point is clear and true enough though it doesn't seem to be logical at all. i know that i should spend 10 mins to do that brainstorm but again and again, i feel to be in a rush and then start to write the intro and the main points .The examples are picked randomly at times.
could you suggest me advice and show me your detailed process of doing the test?

Thank you again for your help. i will rewrite and post it again soon.