@@please assess my writing CAMBRIDGE 10 test 1

[maianh]

The first pie chart illustrates the energy consumption of an average Australian household while the second one indicates the amount of gas emissions released.

As an overall perspective, water heating accounts for the largest percentage of all the domestic energy used. Another noticeable point is that only heating constitutes less gas emissions than the energy used, compared to other utilized energy uses.

To commence with, water heating comprises the largest proportion. Making up nearly a third of the domestic energy use, water heating then secures 32% of the greenhouse gas emissions. Refrigeration, which comprises only 7% in energy use, doubles the amount of gas released to 14%. Similarity, lighting and cooling systems together make up a 6 percent of energy use, which almost double in the household gas emissions.

However, the reverse is true for heating activities. Accounting for virtually a half, namely 42%, heating only secures 15% of gas emissions.
(151)


It is important for a child to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?

There is some disagreement up to whether parents and teachers should teach children to draw a line between the right and wrong things by applying punishment. However, most people who are biased towards the choice of punishing their children, agree that how they punish them is the most important factor.

To commence with, most people misunderstand the meaning of punishment when teaching their offsprings. That is to say, punishment should contains educational sense, with an aim of showing how the child must do to conquer good habits. Corporal punishments such as slapping and scolding, consequently, are strongly condemned and should be eliminated within schools and families. In New Delhi, for instance, many children are injured both mentally and physically due to their teachers' punishment abuse.

Subsequently, inn order to guide young children to obtain good content, parents and teachers should set rigid rules but gentle punishment. For instance, when a child act rudely to his fellow classmates, teachers should talk to the child kindly and inform him that he will not be allowed to play should he repeat this unruly action. By this way, the child can learn more positively, instead of feeling guilty and isolated. Furthermore, educators also need to point out the reason why they are punished is not because they are bad, but the act is wrong itself.

To conclude, children cannot gain proper behavior without the help and guidance of parents and teachers. However, punishment can lead to both good and catastrophic results depending on the way educators use it.
(254)


Could you please assess in details and point out my grammatical mistakes. Can i have band score7?

Thank you so much!!

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

For a moment, I thought the chart was in Thai!

Be careful with grammar - you even have some parts of sentences without verbs! (e.g. which almost double)
Overall, the description of the chart is good, but the grammar really interferes with understanding.

The T2 essay is really quite good. I particularly like the last sentence of the second main paragraph - very insightful! To get a high score, you need to develop the points a little more (I suggest giving examples) and try to use a wider variety of grammatical structures, e.g. conditionals.

Overall, you're not far from a high score, particularly if you can include these improvements.

All the best,
David