PLEASE ASSESS MY WRITING

[maianh]

The illustration demonstrates the mass production of potato chips. This is a linear, man-made process, which includes totally six stages to make raw materials become finished products.
To commence with, factory’s staffs are ordered to examine the quality of potatoes. After that, those potatoes are placed in the washer before rinsed by cold water. Potatoes are then peeled and starched to separate the eatable part with the skins. Subsequently, the resulting products are put directly in the slicer to start the bucket conveyor process.
To continue the process, air machine is used to make water evaporate from sliced potato. Flat Bed Conveyor happens when the slices are dry. Before being salted in the Flat Belt Conveyor, the potato is fried deeply to be ready to get to the stage of packing, which they can be put in either a bag by bag packer or a bulk can by bulk can filler.
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It is of common knowledge that in this day and age, self-phones are used massively in every corner of the world due to their handy functions. However, the abuse of mobile phones can lead to many catastrophic results such as occasional distraction and even health degradation.

Mobile phones, in the first place, are rendered to be the most effective way to communicate these days. With a small, portable device, users can get access to all kinds of social network and can contact with distant friends. However, one particular benefit of these devices that deserves a mention is their use as a diary. For instance, passwords are set in order to obtain the security of the users. That is to say, a phone can reflect many things about its owner’s personality and integrity.

On the other end of the scale, however, myriad dangers are treading on the phone users. Firstly, phone abuse creates the instant distraction. Many students claim that the reduction in their score is caused by their phone using in class. Worse still, casualty lists increase since drivers have to carry their phones to keep on a conversation while driving. Secondly, phones produce many health problems such as short sight and mental disorder. To illustrate, scientists has pointed out that the ray from the phones to human brains can result in severe headaches and the long period of using phones may lead to mental illnesses.

In conclusion, mobile phones play a vital part in our society. However, people must be aware of the way they use this device so as to alleviate the aforementioned disadvantages.
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Can I achieve band 7? And what I need to fix to write better?
Thank you so much

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

T1 - I think that you need to spread out the information a little more, e.g. by making shorter sentences to describe each part of the process clearly.

T2 - Quite good, but you have run into a problem that afflicts many candidates - you seem to think that everyone does these things with mobiles.

Overall, some more work needed, but certainly not bad.
David