pls check my letter ! thank you

[rairaichan0323]

You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work. You phoned the shop but no action was taken.
Write a letter to the shop manager. In your letter
- Describe the problem with the equipment
- Explain what happen when you phoned the shop
- Say what you would like the manager to do

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with the dish washing machine that I bought from your company last Friday. Allow me to elaborate on why I am so perturbed.

The dish washing machine did not work properly. On the half way of washing, it stopped suddenly. To make matters worse the dirty water was leaking from the machine. Consequently, I had to clear up the dishes and also had to clean up the floor too. I phoned to your shop and your representative – Jenny informed me that the maintenance staff will call me back for arranging appointment to fix the machine. However, until now no one contact me. Given the fact that this foul-up was entirely the fault of your company, I feel that I am entitled to ask for changing the new machine. I can be contacted at the address along with my phone number provided above. I would appreciate your prompt resolution of this matter.

Yours faithfully,
Agnes Lam

[rairaichan0323]

can anyone help me? thank you

[CindyBang]

Hi rairaichan0323,

Here is my correction. But im not 100% sure that I have fixed yours correctly, please bear with me.

Red - missing words or grammatical mistakes
Blue - suggestion or alternative in wording and grammar structure
Green - there are words have been deleted

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with the dishwashing machine that I bought from your company last Friday. Allow me to elaborate why I am so perturbed.

The dishwashing machine did not work properly. On the half way of washing, it stopped suddenly (“It suddenly stopped while functioning/working/washing”). To make matters worse the dirty water was leaking from the machine (“The matters got worse when the dirty water started to leak from the machine”). Consequently, I had to clear up the dishes and also had to clean up the floor. I phoned to your shop and your representative, Jenny, informed that the maintenance staff will call back for arranging an appointment to fix the machine. However, up until now no one has contacted me yet. Given the fact that this foul-up was entirely the fault of your company (It is right but sounds funny), I feel that I am entitled to ask for changing the new machine (“I believe (that) I am entitled to ask for a replacement”). I can be contacted at the address along with my phone number provided above. I would appreciate your prompt resolution of this matter.

Yours faithfully,
Agnes Lam

Hope I am being helpful.

Regards,

Cindy.

[rairaichan0323]

thank you Cindy! i am not gd at writing. so your comments will help me a lot!!

just one thing I beleive that this is correct sentence" Allow me to elaborate on why I am so perturbed." because I learn it from Ryan's video.