I did the another writing task 1 please check

[uka92]

The chart illustrates the prediction for 2035 of ageing population`s proportions among UK based on the year of 1985.
As can be seen clearly, Wales percentage was the highest by over 15% in 1985 same as in 2035 (over 25%). The next highest percentaged part of the UK were both England and uk at 15% in 1985. Moreover, these two cities expected to replace the third higher ageing population of 65 and over at 23% respectively.
The other city of Scotland was third position in 1985 at 14% whereas, Northern Ireland had the least proportion by 12%. However, in 2035, the percentage of the Scotland became the second highest city of the aged population. Also, Northern Ireland`s population tend to increase till the same as both England and UK in 2035.
In conclusion, all part of UK`s ageing population will increase almost by 10%. Also, lots of aged 65 and over people live in Wales compared to the other.

[Ryan]

The chart illustrates the (<--Change "the" to "a".) prediction for 2035 of ageing population`s proportions among UK based on the year of 1985. (<--This sentence is awkward and inaccurate. Perhaps you could describe it as a chart that makes a comparison between past figures and future forecasts. Something like this would work better: The chart illustrates the number of people aged 65 and older in four countries within the UK. Historical 1985 figures are compared with forecasted 2035 growth.
As can be seen, Wales percentage was the highest by over 15% in 1985 same as in 2035 (over 25%). (<--Change this to: "As can be seen, Wales boasts higher numbers of people 65 and over in both 1985 (16%) and 2035 (26%), and both figures weigh in heavier than UK averages.)The next highest percentaged part of the UK were both England and uk at 15% in 1985. (<--I would probably structure your response a little differently. Start the response by sharing the UK average. This way, you could be comparing noteworthy countries to overall averages as you progress through the response.) Moreover, these two cities (<--?) expected to replace the third higher ageing population of 65 and over at 23% respectively. (<--I've lost you. Are you now comparing to Northern Ireland?)
The other city of Scotland was third position in 1985 at 14% whereas, Northern Ireland had the least proportion by 12%. (<--Why do you start a new paragraph here? You appear to be sharing information in the same way you were in the first paragraph. To organize into separate paragraphs, consider either (1) sharing all of the 1985 data first and then that for 2035 or (2) sharing country growth one by one and then discussing how these figures compare to UK averages. In either case, the second paragraph would make heavy use of comparative language.) However, in 2035, the percentage of the Scotland (<--Most proper nouns are not preceded by "the".) became the second highest city of the aged population. Also, Northern Ireland`s population tend to increase till the same as both England and UK in 2035. (<--The structure is changing here. In the first paragraph, you were sharing 1985 and 2035 for each country in turn. Now you are starting to separate discussion of growth into its own area.)
In conclusion, all part of the UK`s ageing population will increase by almost 10%. Also, lots of aged 65 and over people live in Wales compared to the other. (<--Wales does have larger numbers of people 65 and older, but the figures are still very comparable to the other countries. Singling out Wales in this way is not accurate.)

Hi uka92,

I think you will need to work on improving all rubric areas. I am not convinced the structure of this response provides the framework needed for an effective description of the data. You seem to bounce from one topic to another, and this leaves the reader to guess at times what it is you are referring to. This degree of incoherence is unfortunately worsened by weak grammar, as each and every sentence in the above submission contains multiple grammatical issues.

All things considered, I feel this piece does little to fulfill the task. My advice is to simplify your writing style. You are being overly ambitious with these longwinded sentences, and this is causing you to lose control of the message you need to communicate. Being concise and ensuring that every point you make is delivered clearly will help to improve your mark in all four sections of the rubric (TA, C&C, LR, GR). I would guess this response to score perhaps around a band 5 on the exam.

Please don't feel discouraged by the above comments. I hope you now have a better understanding of what needs to be tweaked.

Good luck next submission.