writing task 2 please assess it and grade it of 9 bands

[wajidnaeem]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Many countries around the world are implementing new measures to save their heritage and it is being done by investing money to preserve arts, Such as music and theatre . Some people disagree with this idea and believes that it is pointless to spend money on these activities and they support that these expenses should be utilized for the public welfare and I completely agree to this statement . Let's discuss this in detail below .
To begin with , by spending money in the right places , like building schools , colleges and hospitals can benefit the society in various ways . For instance , as the number of learning institutions will increase , the literacy rate Will also rise and with the availability of hospitals the general health of people will improve . This will provide people with a quality life and they will have a better future for their younger generations . Thus , It is proved that expenses utilized in a wise way for the betterment of general people can provide nations with a better chance at developing and making progress in this competitive world .
In addition to that , more investments In public welfare can create more jobs for the local people and it can have a positive impact on the countries economy . For example,establishing new workplaces like factories can provide natives with the more work opportunities and it can in turn lead to the success of that country, in terms that more workforce will be available to contribute towards the nation’s economy . This will lead the governments on the path of success and it will also prove beneficial for the general population .
In conclusion , funding given for the benefit of people will increase the number of educated individuals as well as it is also the effective way of boosting the economy . It is supported that countries should make more investments for public services as it will leave a positive effect on people’s opinions about the local governments and it will also give them a quality life .

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Overall, quite good, but with some glaring errors. In the conclusion, you must give your opinion, not the opinion of the general population.

There is overuse of 'will'. Are the things you point out so certain? It is known that many countries (with authoritarian governments) have top grade hospitals but that these are not used for the general public but for the elite (or in North Korea, nobody!).

Public welfare and public services are not the same thing.

Vocabulary and grammar are reasonable, but mistakes, particularly those mentioned above, hold the score down.

All the best,
David