missing letter need feedback

[saran]

You lost something on the train.
Write a letter to the stationmaster of your local train station. In your letter
• state what the item is
• describe where you think you lost it
• explain how you can be contacted in the event the item is found
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses. Begin your letter as follows:
Dear ____________________
Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing this letter in connection with a bag, which I left on your train “kurgan express”.
My name is saran and my seat number is 867687. On 25 august, I travelled in your train along with my bag. When I reached home, I realised that I lost my bag on that train. Despite that I remember my bag placed under the seat. Consequently, I will be still on that train. My bag is made up of leather jacket black in colour. In addition to this, it has two zip openings with a lock in it. Inside the bag there is an important material for my business proposal as well as 10,000 dollar in cash
I would deeply appreciate it if you contact me on my mobile number 3534546 or via email dfsfdfs@gmail.com as soon as you found the bag, because I have to pay the money for my sister’s medical expenses. Furth more, I have to present the business document on this Monday.
Looking for your response at the earliest
Yours sincerely,
saran

[saran]

pls guys...review it...

[Tina]

missing letter need feedback
by saran » Thu Sep 12, 2013 12:09 am

You lost something on the train.
Write a letter to the stationmaster of your local train station. In your letter
• state what the item is
• describe where you think you lost it
• explain how you can be contacted in the event the item is found
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses. Begin your letter as follows:
Dear ____________________
Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing this letter in connection with a bag, which I left on your train “kurgan express”.( why he will be interested in u or your bag , u need to mention that you lost rather than left , as left is your fault ).

My name is saran and my seat number is 867687. On 25 august, I travelled in your train along with my bag. When I reached home, I realised that I lost my bag on that train. Despite that I remember my bag placed under the seat. Consequently, I will be still on that train. My bag is made up of leather jacket black in colour. In addition to this, it has two zip openings with a lock in it. Inside the bag there is an important material for my business proposal as well as 10,000 dollar in cash
( reframe this para , lot of errors and difficult to understand )


I would deeply appreciate it if you contact me on my mobile number 3534546 or via email dfsfdfs@gmail.com as soon as you found ( find ) the bag, because I have to pay the money for my sister’s medical expenses. Furth more, I have to present the business document on this Monday.
Looking for your response at the earliest
Yours Thanks

[saran]

thank you so much for your effort Tina.

[Ryan]

You lost something on the train.
Write a letter to the stationmaster of your local train station. In your letter
• state what the item is
• describe where you think you lost it
• explain how you can be contacted in the event the item is found
Write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write any addresses. Begin your letter as follows:
Dear ____________________
Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing this letter in connection with a bag, which I left on your train “kurgan express”.
My name is saran and my seat number is 867687. On 25 august, I travelled in your train along with my bag. When I reached home, I realised that I lost my bag on that train. Despite that I remember my bag placed under the seat. Consequently, I will be still on that train. My bag is made up of leather jacket black in colour. In addition to this, it has two zip openings with a lock in it. Inside the bag there is an important material for my business proposal as well as 10,000 dollar in cash
I would deeply appreciate it if you contact me on my mobile number 3534546 or via email dfsfdfs@gmail.com as soon as you found the bag, because I have to pay the money for my sister’s medical expenses. Furth more, I have to present the business document on this Monday.
Looking for your response at the earliest
Yours sincerely,
saran

Hi Saran,

Please try to avoid making little mistakes. "Kurgan Express" is a destination that I imagine should be capitalized. Your name should always be capitalized. "August" should be capitalized. There is no full stop after "cash". There are two farewells. These are not minor errors; they are errors that will alter your examiner's opinion of you as an IELTS test taker. If you don't demonstrate the basics, they examiner will quickly conclude that you are of a low band.

Although I can understand most of the letter, the line "I will still be on that train" is a mystery to me. Incoherence of this level will contribute to your exclusion from entering band 6+ territory.

Let me quickly rewrite the letter with grammatical accuracy for you. Please note the differences:

Dear Sir/Madam,

This letter is regarding a bag I lost while aboard the Kurgan Express train. Allow me to recount the details.

At roughly 14:00 on the 25th of August, I boarded your express line from Braxtonville to Kurgan. My seat number was 867687 and the car I was sitting in was almost completely empty. I recall placing my bag under the seat in front of me. The bag is brown in colour and has two zipped openings. One of these openings is secured with a little lock. The contents of the bag included my black leather jacket, several business related documents and a very sizable amount of money.

I would be so thankful if you would contact me by mobile should my bag be turned in to your lost and found. My mobile number is 3534546. You may also contact me by email at dfsfdfs@gmail.com. Your prompt attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

Thanking you in advance,
Saran (<--With a capital "S" )

I hope that clarifies a few things. Please note how simple I keep my language. I do not cluster my thoughts together. I also remove several unneeded pieces of information to ensure the response is in keeping with the Task 1 question.

Good luck, Saran!
Ryan