Sir please assess my essay - Writing task 2

[ieltslearner]

Hello Everyone and all the respectable invigilators on here...I'm new to this forum and would like to get my writing assessed. Thank you in advance.
Question:

In the last 20 years there have been significant developments in the field of information technology (IT), for example the World Wide Web and communication by email. However, these developments in IT are likely to have more negative effects than positive in the future.
To what extent do you agree with this view?

The Internet and communication by email are two examples of compelling developments in the field of information technology (IT) in the past 20 years or so. In my opinion, the recent technological advancements in sharing information have more advantages to offer than drawbacks in the foreseeable future.

The recent discoveries in the sphere of information technology have assisted people in many areas of social and commercial life. Firstly, The Internet has mitigated communication pathways between countries and societies. This has allowed for a surge in trade and commerce due to the speeding up of processes and data transmission via the world wide web. Secondly, a large amount of information is easily accessible. People can search and download relevant material such as e books pertaining to a specific topic of interest. This is unlike the olden days, where people had to travel long distances to acquire books and magazines.

Despite the numerous benefits, the rapid growth of information technology has some shortcomings. To begin with, the Internet houses content that might be unsuitable for children. Indecent and illicit media is widely available and easily accessible. Furthermore, a wide variety of people from different backgrounds use Internet applications such as Facebook and Twitter. There is the danger of adolescent children ending up in contact with criminals and strangers with ulterior motives. Lastly, people of all ages can become addicted by being immersed in Internet usage for long hours which in turn affects their physical well being.

In conclusion, recent advancements in the area of information technology with tools such as the Internet and email result in more benefits being derived from them in opposition to the disadvantages. These are powerful tools that will assist societies broadly from both the personal and commercial perspectives.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The main thing I notice is that you haven't explained why you think that the advantages of technology outweigh the disadvantages.

Some points are also not fully explained. Why did people have to travel far to get books? Certainly this was not my experience. European cities all had numerous bookshops and even the small villages had shops that sold them.

Why is there more danger for young people compared to the past? To what extent are people really addicted to the Internet?

Vocabulary seems good, but is not used precisely. Grammar is very good.

All the best,
David