please help me.fix my writing task 2 and grade it!

[leducthang]

my first writing! help me check errors pls
Topic: to educate young people is the most important task for the governments all over the world. discuss views and give opinion.

These day , educating the young generation is key to rebuilding nations in many countries. While some people believe that education is the most important priority for the government, others think that is not the best way. In this essay, I will discuss both of the two above views.

There is no doubt that one of the main task for the government is to educate young people. Young pople will be the future of a nation, they need to be highly equipped and have an improved base knowledge well to lead a country to be prosperous .in addition, lots of illiterate people mainly become a society’s burden. For example, the ratio of illiterate children is really high of many countries in Africa and western east, as a result those poor nations are still in bad state in living standards as well as famine. Moreover, most government branches highly require a large number of high performance labour in order to increase the productivity as well raise the economy. Therefore, educate the younger is very important.

However, there are other negative reasons when making the education on the top of the government’s priorities. firstly, it cost a huge national budget to populalise education for all children. That role is impossible to act well in the poor countries which also have to emilinate hunger and reduce poverty . For example, in Africa, there are thousands of people who are dying of hunger, therefore , their one of the first priorities are food and clean water. Furthermore, not only the government have to sustain important responsibility to educate younger, the family also have a liability to do that too.

In conclusion,I believe that although some people do not think that to educate younger is the most important aspect for the government all over the world, it is really a success key to developing nation and it also create a more civilized society

[andytruong1202]

my first writing! help me check errors pls
Topic: to educate young people is the most important task for the governments all over the world. discuss views and give opinion.

In these days , educating the young generation is contributed to the national developmentin many countries. While some people believe that education is the most important priority for governments, others think that is not the best way What way are you talking about?. In this essay, I will discuss both views. You should state your opinion here

There are no doubts that one of the main tasks for governments is to educate young people Where are your reasons in this topic sentence?. Young people will be the future of a nation, they need to be highly trained and have a deep knowledge in order to contribute to the country's prosperity .In addition, lots of illiterate people become a society’s burden. For example, the percentage of illiterate children is really high in many African and Middle-East countries. As a result, those poor nations are still in bad state in living standards as well as famine. Moreover, most government branches highly require a large number of high performance labour in order to increase the productivity as well raise the economy. Therefore, educate the younger is very important.

However, there are other negative reasons when making the education on the top of the government’s priorities. firstly, it cost a huge national budget to populalise education for all children. That role is impossible to act well in the poor countries which also have to emilinate hunger and reduce poverty . For example, in Africa, there are thousands of people who are dying of hunger, therefore , their one of the first priorities are food and clean water. Furthermore, not only the government have to sustain important responsibility to educate younger, the family also have a liability to do that too.

In conclusion,I believe that although some people do not think that to educate younger is the most important aspect for the government all over the world, it is really a success key to developing nation and it also create a more civilized society.

You should work on your word choices, grammar, and essay structure.

[Ryan]

Hi leducthang,

Your structure needs tweaking. I don't see any reason for you to be sharing two or three topic sentences in your supporting paragraphs. Although there may be instances requiring some preliminary discussion before sharing an example, I don't feel there is need for this here. Simply state your supporting point as a single topic sentence and go directly to an example showing this supporting point in action. Discuss what the example shows and/or how it proves the claim in the topic sentence and then proceed to a conclusion sentence linking the paragraph back to the central theme of the essay. (I think you do make some effort to provide this link, which is great. Keep doing this.)

Your grammar is quite weak and leads to incoherence at times. I'm sorry, but I won't be providing grammar cleanup this evening. I suggest you contact a native English speaking friend to provide you with some guidance regarding grammar.

Following a strict essay structure and identifying the grammatical issues you have (and working to fix these issues, of course) are where I feel you should start.

This essay is about band 5.

Good luck,
Ryan

[leducthang]

thanks yous so much!